Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I lost. Doesn't mean I'll stop.

I have spent 19 months fighting for the second meal program. I have spent 19 months being ignored and lied to. 19 months of “babysitting” government officials to get simple jobs, simple jobs that by job title and moral code they are required to do. 19 months being denied, rejected and told it will not happen and let it go. 19 months of people that claim to support the cause but then forget the cause is still happening. 19 months fighting alone. Inevitably I have spent the last 19 months of my life fighting for a cause that is very much real and with a solution that is real and very much possible but needing approval from people that at their own will and personal agenda’s…just can’t seem to fit this into their work day and just don’t feel like doing it... and CAN get away with that.
I’ve jump hoops, mountains and the damn Grand Canyon in more ways than once when it comes to this project. In the end I put my blood, sweat and tears into this project…literally just to be told it won’t happen numerous times with no proof. I always told everyone here that if it can’t happen that’s fine. If it really doesn’t fit a policy and that the Government has already established this to not be allowed…OK…but I need a clear answer and proof. I still have never gotten that. I certainly won’t in the time I’m here and may never…ever. Why is that you might ask…or not but I’ve decided you are asking that…
The system here comes from western culture but hasn’t been taught or learned the same as in western culture. So, it’s a system that people here work for but don’t necessarily understand or have the ingrained self initiative to follow completely. This sounds a bit mean or maybe I’m just thinking it sounds mean because in my head this explanation is MUCH more colorful, but this is ONLY ONE of the core reasons this will not happen. Simply put, if a person in power doesn’t want to do the work…then it doesn’t happen. I cannot make anyone do something they don’t want to. I cannot convince them this is important and needs to be done…apparently, cause I’ve spent 19 months trying and all I have done is piss people off and get a response of “wow, you’re very dedicated. Good job…” but nothing happens.
I received the written documentation proving we are a settlement but then the Planning Officer that was very nice to help me with this gave me the 302 page policy book for our district in Botswana to do my own research. I did. As nicely as I can say this, everything in that official government policy handbook contradicts itself. There is not clear answer or policy. I can’t fight against any of it cause then there is a policy that says something else similar but different to it so someone can come at me with that. I could sit in my house o days and just play “good cop, bad cop” and anticipate the entire debate just with myself. So, that’s a dilemma…
The only thing I had going for myself is that I was hoping the village is under 500 people. Settlements in Botswana are split up into categories depending on a few factors, but the main one people populations, which seeing as how a census is only done once every ten years that’s seems a bit odd but OK. So, according to the current policy book my village is in the Tertiary III category which is the second to lowest category, Tertiary IV is the lowest and they receive Gov assistance for those settlements because they fit the policy and are under 500 people. Here is the kicker: when the policy was made, my village was under 500 people and fit the requirements but was still not put in Tertiary IV…whereas there are still a few villages that are bigger than mine and don’t fit other parts of the category yet are receiving assistance. Hmmm…. Also, I was told more times than not while being told my village was NOT a settlement that there are only 5 main settlements in my district and they get Gov help…yet, there are several more on that list that are on the help list but don’t get help. Why? I don’t know that answer. I guess these are just a few small examples of what I’m dealing with. It doesn’t make sense. There are very few allegations that have been made that can truly be backed up with proof. Very little evidence for any case or statement that has been made. No real order and logical understanding to it. It’s a do what you like system…how do a fight a “do what you like system.” In less you’re one of the popular kids and hanging out with all the right people then you don’t get picked first and don’t get what you want.
So, as of right now. Nothing I happening. I’m stuck. How do I fight this? How do I create change in a system I personally can’t make any sense of or find a baseline in which can guide me through to what is right? I’m stuck. Haven’t given up yet. Am learning to accept this projects inevitable lack of actually being approved in my lifetime…but I’m thinking. Always thinking…kinda wish I could turn myself off sometimes. I’m stuck…but I’m still hoping…and thinking…even though in total honesty, I have absolutely no idea why I’m still attempting. A sane person would admit defeat and walk away. Find a new battle…but I guess this is going to be my Everest.