Don't be afraid to succeed...

How do you know when enough is enough? How does one know when to stop fighting and admit defeat? Or is there another option besides defeat…such as having a change of heart or deciding it’s not worth it? BUT would those being considered settling or the reality or just being mature? I feel that in order to feel good or at least OK about stopping the fight against what you want a person needs to feel as if you are not loosing anything or missing out on something in some way. Last week NACA, the biggest NGO of HIV/AIDS Prevention in all of Bots invited 3 of my primary PACT students to attend the biggest celebration in Bots, World AIDS Day celebration and be there to answer questions and talk about PACT after having seen them a week or so ago in the Facilitators Workshop we held.. This was a HUGE honor. This is the biggest celebration in Bots hosted by the biggest NGO in Bots that had invited my little young PACT kids from tiny Metsibotlhoko to come and teach others…by the way this is the celebration every year that the President of Botswana attends!!! This was HUGE. I was over the moon, so excited a few of the teachers were saying this will make history for Metsi, Peace Corps couldn’t believe it and were thrilled for me and Metsi, The Ministry of Education were applauding us and kept saying, “Metsi is on the MAP!!!” and I just didn’t know how this happened. BUT, a few of the other teachers were refusing to let the children go. I was shocked and really upset!
The thing is, the teachers had planned months before to take all the children from Standards 4-7, about 50 children on an “Educational Tour” around gabs from Nov 29-Dec 3 to show them things like the Parliament building, the meat commission, a game park, the media complexes and other things the children have never seen…I mean, many have never been to Gabs before. I applauded the teachers for the initiative and work on making this happen. BUT with my luck, World AIDS Day is on Dec. 1st and so I and one other teacher taking 3 pupils to World AIDS Day would mean they had to miss 1 day of the Educational Tour. So, I understood the teacher’s initial hesitation, kinda, but to have half of them say NO to letting the children go, I couldn’t comprehend or agree with. I asked them why and I got some responses that didn’t make sense basically. No real reason but yet the decision was NO. I was so frustrated and irritated that these children might miss out on something amazing for childish reasons that were not valid at all.
So, my school head and I fought it for a bit and then she gave up to. So there I was, a week away from World AIDS Day, 6 days left and 1 more school day until the term ended, crying in the school heads office by myself, so confused and feeling so alone and exhausted from fighting all by myself again. I started to question…when do I give up too? Why am I fighting for this? Is it worth it? Maybe I should give up? Asking myself so many things I could even understand why I was doing this anymore…I could make no sense of it to myself anymore…but I knew it felt wrong to stop. I called my mentor at NACA who invited us and asked what was going on. My school head the day before, not known to me had already Cancelled our transport we had to go and spoken with NACA to say we weren’t coming because the teachers couldn’t agree. I was even more annoyed and upset…now I had more to fight for. I asked the women from NACA, can we still come if I fight harder and try to make it work, she was very sweet and here response was, “oh please Emily. Make it work.”
Knowing I had her support helped but still I had this feeling of if everyone around me doesn’t seem to care, then why should I? How will change ever happen if this childishness is expected and accepted? If I weren’t here this would all have been dropped with no reasons, hell, if I weren’t here no one would have even been invited. In a way I know that should make me feel proud and in a way it does, but it also scares me…cause I’m leaving in 7 months and I wouldn’t be here to fight next time…so what…then everything goes to hell? Nothing happens? All for childish reasons or laziness?
So, still in a fog and still not knowing what the “real” right thing to do was, I walked in and spoke with two of the teachers, knowing this might mess up my reputation with them and make the next 7 months not enjoyable at all…but I still went. I went in and all I said to them is, “I’m so frustrated! I don’t know what to do…we need to talk.” Which seemed to get there attention. They both stopped what they were doing and looked at me with concern which honestly, took me by surprise. We talked about it and how important I thought it was and who to not let the children go in fear they would miss going to the 2 things scheduled that day for the tour (which were the airport which is under construction so they can’t go anyway and the water utilities complex, which I found out also might not be happening) wasn’t fair to the children. World AIDS Day is extremely educational. It’s all the big NGO’s and influential people in Botswana that attend this and speak about everything they do to fight for HIV/AIDS, everyone is there, the great minds, the fighters, the supporters, etc… all in the biggest celebration to hit their country…yet that wasn’t good enough to skip the water utilities? Even as I was talking I was thinking what am I doing? I shouldn’t have to explain why this is a great opportunity, people should be jumping for joy. The thing is they were but apparently on the inside.
The two teachers I was speaking with in the office right then and giving my speech to, I quickly realized, they are not the half that said NO. They fully agreed the pupils should go. They think its amazing, they kept saying how this was history making for Metsi and for the children to get to see the President speak in person and be a part of this, for Metsi to be invited…it’s all life changing. So, then my thought was, why are we not going then? I asked them and they didn’t really have answers, more of “excuses” to cover up for others. That’s where the personal childishness with some, not all, but a few come in. However, those teachers agreed that enough is enough and the pupils need to go. They agreed the reasons weren’t good enough and World AIDS Day was too important to pass up. They explained to me they would speak with the other teachers but we should consider it done and going because there just weren’t good enough reasons not too. I was excited. We had a good talk too about how I hope they didn’t feel I was pushing or trying to mess up a trip they worked on they told me about how much change has come to Metsi and how it’s because of me and many other nice things. I felt so much better, yet still a little weird for some reason. I think cause it still wasn’t 100% settled and I was happy they appreciate me but knew at least one other did not and that this would only make that worse. It’s a “weird” feeling. In preparation of hopefully getting fully approved, I know had to try to get our transport back and see if we even could get there in case they all said yes. I started my string of phone calls and got many, I’ll call you later responses making me a little nervous. Several days of myself and the Deputy School head, who was amazing during this time and was on it, trying to get ppl to call us back and make things happen. She was getting nervous and jumpy just like I always am. It was funny to see her all stressed out and panicking that no one else was doing anything… I said, “welcome to my life.” She kinda laughed. I think she got it a little. The teachers all tell me to stop stressing all the time, I feel like in that tiny moment, she got it. I found out later in the day that the two teachers spoke with the others and they all agreed the children should go and we should be part of World AIDS Day…which was great news, but now we had to find a way to get there.
In the mean time I got a call from a friend of mine that works in the District Offices, the ones where I go all the time because they are all the people in charge of everything that has to do with my village to find out that there are rumors about me that I’m using the grant money for my own personal use. She said that one of her co-workers over heard a few people having a conversation about me and how I’m using the grant money to buy things for myself…which couldn’t be farther from the truth of course. I’ve actually lost money on this grant because I use my own PC allowance to sun earns and buy airtime that I use all the time to call people for the grant activities. I was so sad and angry and hesitant and confused and pissed off…basically any emotion you can think of, I hit within the next 5 hours or so. My friend has no idea who was talking about me or where they heard that because her co-worker saw how upset she got when she was breaking the news about me to her that she shut up and left and won’t tell her.
I was so hurt that after everything I’ve done and how unbelievably hard I’ve worked on all of this and out my blood, sweat, tears and all my sanity into this, people were trash talking me and trying to belittle my success. Its so unfair how people can make you feel doubtful about what you’ve accomplished and how much you’ve done…then after a good long rant to a friend on the phone and trying to rationalize life out, I realized…people can’t actually do that! So, then the anger phase kicked in and I found myself saying out loud to myself in my little hut while making dinner, “Screw you people!” A LOT! I also may have used a few other non lady like expletives, but I’ll spare you the details. Its been a few days and I’ve calmed down a bit, I still feel a bit “weird.” A bit annoyed and a bit upset and sad that people can’t just let things go and be happy that a tiny village is succeeding and making a name for itself. It also is just really disappointing and really feels not good that while I can move on and let it go cause I know I’ll never find out who it was or why or how many people it may be, I’m a little guarded now. I’m questioning a little who I can trust, who I should trust, who I should be telling things too…It really sucks to have to feel like I need to have a small guard up, but at least for right now, I do feel like I do. Also, it’s a bit lonely…its lonely at the top…I’m starting to understand that phrase on a personal level. I mean, I still have great people and I’m not really alone but I do feel like I have to be careful of who I share my happiness about this project with or I find myself doubting occasionally if when people tell me I’m doing great ad how impressed they are if really behind my back they are telling everyone I’m buying myself pretty toys with the money I have. I figure with time it will get better and I’ll be better at ignoring it, but since its fresh still, its weird and a little hard on me. Success brings followers I guess and not always ones that you want. I mean, I get it a bit. A tiny village no one in Gabs even knows about is being invited to teach others at an event where the President is and where the children will get to hear the President speak. It’s a big deal. I’m proud of my kids, they have earned this, hell, I have earned this to know that I helped get those kids there. Success is good, but a tough road too! However, trying to look at the glass half full, it is kinda cool that I’m successful enough that people think I’m important enough to trash talk about. So, there is a tiny and petty part of me that just feels like, “Bring it!!!” OR the classic and crass response that I’m pretty sure it was my sister that taught me in Middle School…”Bite me!” haha! Oh Coco, the good old days!
Its all new to me, I say that a lot, I really need to stop saying that cause really everything is brand new territory for me here. I’m actually pretty grateful in a way about that. I have changed so much and grown so much. I can see it the people around me can see it and have told me and I think who I’m changing to be. Not like I felt I needed huge change or anything and not to sound cocky like I knew I didn’t but I’ve changed in stronger ways which I really like. I fight for everything and as intimidating as this new success feeling and aspect of my life is right now, I like the risks I’ve taken to get there and I know its worth it and will be worth it, part of it just are not fun…but I can deal with that. I believe in all of this so I know I have to just keep pushing through it and make it work…don’t know how but I will figure it out.
Peace Corps supervisors came to my village a few days ago to do a Site Visit, which they do once a year to check in, see the volunteers progress, speak with the people they work with and see if the PCV is working and on task…which since we are volunteers, technically that is up to us. They always tell us to “own our service” some do and some don’t. Its just an individual thing. My supervisors spoke with the Deputy Head and Guidance Teacher from my school and they were so sweet. They said very wonderful things about me and how much Life Skills I’m doing and they notice the change that has happened which is great to know that they have noticed it. My Deputy Head said the coolest thing though which I almost cried over. My supervisor asked them many questions but one of the questions they asked was, “since this whole experience is a cross cultural give and take, what has Emily taught you about American culture and what have you learned from her?” My Deputy Head responded, “She has taught me we are just the same! We laugh at the same things and get along so well. Her being American is the same as me being Batwana. She is just a nice girl. Always smiling and listening and always cares about what is important to us…her being American, there is no difference. She smiles a lot! We are exactly the same. She is a sweet girl that treats us all like we are her. We are all exactly the same. Botswana and America are the same in people.” I seriously almost cried and so did one of my supervisors. I love that she thinks we’re just the same and that she says we are just the same. I love that me being white or American which here means rich and perfect…she knows that’s not me. I can’t say how much I love that she thinks we are the same…cause we are! Also, PC told me later that since I’m doing such a good job and have brought Life Skills here they will more than likely replace me…which I’m so glad about. There is so much more that could be done in this village with a bit more help. The teachers asked PC to replace me and PC told me they are seriously considering it and don’t see why it wouldn’t work! Awesome!
Anyways, so enough talking about myself, which though I do it a lot these days I really don’t like doing that much, but back to the drama and a side note: I have to say at this rate I didn’t even want to go to World AIDS Day that much anymore…I just wanted a nap! BUT I continued with the Deputy Head to make this work. It came down to several days and due to protocol, my school head was the only one that could try to communicate with transport and the DAC to get use transport for this event because she was the one that cancelled it. The one that cancelled it and in charge had to the one to take it back…I tried many times, but it was a no go. My school head however was in meetings and busy and kept telling me she’d call later and she was busy. I thought my deputy head and I might have heart attacks…we couldn’t handle that answer. We had 5 days and no transport and no promise that even when my school head does get a hold of anyone that they can even help us. I did hit a point though where I realized that in this fight I felt I did all I could and I felt I tried as hard as I could even when I felt I didn’t care anymore…so I felt that even if it didn’t work, I would be very disappointed but I knew I tried the best I could.
OH, tangent!!! So, I bumped into the Social worker about a week ago (this only adds to my frustration about life and how I will so end up being trash talked about til I leave cause I never let things go) and he informed me unofficially that no one wants to fund the Second Meal. I said, “yeah, what else is new?” We all know this and have known this, but they are now fighting back saying that my village doesn’t fall within a certain settlement policy. I kept saying to him, isn’t my village considered a settlement? He said, yeah! I said, well, they what’s the problem? I got silence. We did that a few more times until I finally asked him if really this is them just trying to find another thing so that I’ll let it go. He agreed that more than anything was the case. He then gave me this sad but content look and told me, “Emily, we need to just let it go, it won’t happen…they don’t want it to…” I gave him my look of “oh please” and said to him, “I’m sorry, have you met me? What do you think?” He laughed and we’re back on it again. I will fight til I get a valid reason that I can agree with that proves this cant happen or that the people we are trying to help are better off without it. I know I must sound a bit selfish and a bit like, “my way or no way…” and well, I am saying that a little (I mean, let be honest here…I have little shame anymore) BUT really, I feel like I’m not asking an unreasonable request or requesting something they cannot do. I’m asking for help for their own people that are currently unable to help themselves with what they have, so they need a hand out for the time being of food to make sure they don’t starve and the children can succeed in school to then better themselves for their future. Sorry, it that seems to annoy some people….I mean, C’mon!
As of today, still no transport yet and its looking like now the school head has randomly decided no...so great! i dont know anymore. I've tried and I'll keep trying, but it's not looking promising...

“Some way somehow, don’t give up now, don’t be afraid to succeed. Hold your dreams, don’t ever let it go, be yourself, and let the world take notice. You’ll find strength when people bring you down, they will see, if you would only believe.”

Life's like an hour glass glued to the table...

I feel accomplished! I’m writing this now before the feeling gets challenged and I may be deflated a bit from the frustrations that more than likely will hit again and I find it harder for myself to say out loud that I have done a good thing. BUT I have accomplished few things and it feels pretty damn good! … OK, so I wrote those first few sentences 2 days ago and already I’m so exhausted the feeling has gone a bit. Still, it was a good thing and al good workshop which for the last few days all the teachers that participated, District Officials and NACA (Botswana’s biggest NGO for HIV/AIDS prevention) has been telling me how amazing the workshop was and how they want to expand it to all of Botswana. Which is flattering don’t get me wrong but I officially got about 6 hours off to “relax” and now I’m back at work…I’m a little overwhelmed. OK, but let me back track and explain the last week or so… It probably helps for you to understand why I’m already complaining so much…
So, we had our first big event for the SAF grant on Nov. 13th in my little forgotten village of Metsi! Part of our original plan for the grant was always to have a youth camp sometime in Jan. but after me suggesting us doing a Facilitators Workshop for the teachers that will be bringing their pupils from the two main schools we’re working with months ago and no one saying anything, yet then my school head 3 weeks before Nov 13th said, “hey that’s a good idea…” it was decided…that we would do this. 3 weeks was all we had to plan! I was freaking out a little cause 3 weeks is not a lot especially when you’re in Bots and everything, I mean EVERYTHING, moves at a slower pace here. So, I agreed if we do this fine, but we have to get working NOW NOW!!!! So, I immediately wrote up the letters of invitations to schools, all the district officials that my school head said we needed to invite and NACA, cause they are my local mentors and I work with them. After all the letters were written and ready to go which in a village of no electricity printers, computers…it was a large task that I even go those done yet at all. My school head called a staff meeting and said that while I was off working her and some of the teachers had been talking about the workshop and they believe that instead of just inviting the 2 schools we are mainly working with to the workshop (which the workshop was completely about teaching all about PACT and how teachers can start PACT Clubs in their schools) we should invite 7 other schools as well for a total of 9 schools and about 20 teachers!
Now, I’m not going to lie or try to fool anyone into thinking that I was calm, collected and more than welcome to this change of events because when it comes down to it its about the children and the more teachers we teach and invite the more children benefit…nope…not my response. My immediate response was, “ummmm hell no…and who do you think is gonna pay for all this…because I’m not!” Now, I kept it together enough to say that just in my head and with a few more swear words mixed in there but I did manage to get out an out loud response of, “What? Uh…No… Why?” Yep, I’m pretty classy and kind hearted, I know! So, we talked about it and I agreed that if we had the money in the budget to pull all this off and could get enough transport somehow then that was fine. I did at least attempt to make it clear that our main focus needed to be the 2 schools we were working with because that is the grant, that’s what the money is originally set for and I really didn’t want to lose focus of that cause that’s how I end up having to send an email to all my family begging them to give me money for Christmas for the rest of my life so I can pay off my debut to MTV…which personally, I don’t want to do. I like Christmas and I like presents! So, no thank you! Everyone agreed which I’ve caught on enough in this culture to know that really all they agreed to is me watching them 24/7 and having the right to say no at anytime. So, really all I did was add more stress on to myself…but it’s for the children right? I say that to myself A LOT!!!
So, now I had to write all new letters and send even more of them. After many staff meetings we decided many things about the workshop. It would be an all day event. 8am-5pm on a Sat which means we had to get approval from the Ministry of Education in Botswana because if the 20 teachers were attending a work related event on a Sat they had to be paid for their work by the Gov. We did get approval. They loved the idea so much they asked me to make the workshop a full week and event more teachers from other schools. I said no cause I could barely handle this much this fast especially since I’m learning how all this works and how to run things since I’ve never done this before. I said, we’ll see how this workshop goes and take it from there. Yes, it is true for those of you that noticed. I have in fact learned how to say “NO” when I need to…for the most part. I’m growing…or something like that! We decided which 7 other schools to invite, all in our District and none of them have ever done PACT or started on in their schools and most are very rural schools. We decided how many teachers, transport and the budget. Some teachers were going to have to sleep in our classrooms the night before the workshop because they live too far away; some schools are 200k away in 3 different directions. We certainly covered most of our district with the schools that were coming. Which now meant we had to plan and prepare dinner and breakfast for many participants and find transport. OK, so as the days went on. Letters were written, people invited, more approvals had to come and go, more people had to be notified, etc…we also had to spend a few days just calling the schools, some with no receptions so that took several days just to find out who go the invites and who was attending.
Also, in the mean time I was still working closely with the 2 main schools we’re working with and had to schedule House of Men to go do a 4-5 hour training in Mantshwabisi cause according to the grant plan that needed to happen in Nov. So, I got that scheduled after many MANY phone calls and a few moments of doing what I hate most which I pulling rank and threatening a bit at times in order to get the right people to do their jobs. BUT it was set, of course it was planned for 2 days before the workshop…go big or go home I guess. I need therapy or something. So, House of Men (HOM) was planned to train the pupils from 2pm to about 6pm. Part of our deal with them is that culturally we have to feed them. So, I had to leave the village about 6am that morning, Thursday morning to go to the nearest village and get food to then take 60k to Mantshwabisi at about 8am so they could cook it and have it ready for HOM by 1pm. I got that done. Then had to go to Letlhakeng which has the nearest printer and computer if I beg the right people to let me use their printers and computers to then type and print many things we need for the workshop. Meanwhile the teachers were going to Moleps to get the money from the bank we needed for food for the workshop and picking up one of the three Peace Corps Volunteers that were coming to help me facilitate the workshop and lead sessions. After all that I went to Mantshwabisi to go and monitor/support HOM train. I had been told on the phone the day before that due to the fact that the school is a boarding school and has 360 pupils, ages 5-19 living in the hostels they had planned with the teachers to involve kids from the hostels, not just the new PACT kids to discuss sever issues going on in the hostels. Some very serious issues of drug use, alcohol abuse, rape, teen pregnancy are all going on in the hostels, even the 5 year olds. So, I said that was great and worked for me. I didn’t realize however they were involving ALL the hostel youth. I arrived at about 2pm to see 360 children, 5-19 yrs old all sitting in chairs in a HUGE half circle outside under the trees waiting for HOM to perform. It was a great thing! It was a moment gain where I felt like tall the stress was worth it. I mean, it’s nice moments like that when I feel like even though I barely sleep anymore cause I have stress dreams about the grant, literally, to see 360 disadvantaged youth getting the exact information they need in a fun way because of the grant….it’s a good moment! I stayed for about 3 hours and HOM were great! They talked about having sex too young, rape, performed a big play on drug and alcohol abuse which the youth loved and laughed so hard. Then they Showed posters of what your body looks like when you smoke, they kids seemed to really get it. It was so good to see the youth really grasp what was being told to them and why it’s all so important…yet laughing and dancing at times throughout the whole thing. Half of the training was with all 360 youth, then the other half they split up the group into the youngest and oldest to teach them more age appropriate material. The teachers arrived from Moleps with Mary, a volunteer that travelled for 9 hours just to get to my village to help me and I asked the teachers to get out of the car so they could really see what the grant does and why it’s so important and most of all the impact it makes. See, the teachers don’t usually come to these events cause they have schools and whatnot so usually it’s just me that goes. I think the teachers got what I was hoping they would and didn’t a bit too…but I tried.
So, I got home about 7pm with Mary after a very long day. Friday came too fast and Mary and I were off. It was the day before the workshop and oh the drama!!!! All day, so much drama! We went to school at 7am to have a last minute staff meeting. I thought of the idea earlier in the week to drop one of the sessions we were planning to have me lead to show the participants how to teach the pupils and to actually bring in our PACT Club to let the them see exactly how we led PACT, what we do, how the kids react, how they speak in PACT and really show how PACT is different from normal classroom learning. The teachers at my school agreed, we practiced with the pupils on Wed night, by Thursday one of the teachers told me she didn’t want the pupils to be a part of the workshop because they can’t present well and basically would embarrass us. I needless to say was really upset at that and extremely frustrated. So, while on Friday morning we needed to leave my village immediately to get started on the day for getting food and preparing, I knew we needed a staff meeting to discuss this. I was frustrated beyond belief that we were about to be holding a workshop teaching schools about PCT and our experiences with it yet, we had a staff that was embarrassed of the children. I wanted to call the whole thing off. I felt like we were frauds…we were preaching to make ourselves look good not because we had a right to preach. So, I told my school head what happened and she immediately called the whole staff in our little tiny office with Mary just sitting there watching the craziness.
So, we discussed it basically the school head decided that my original point for using the kids which was not that the kids would be perfect, I didn’t want them to be really cause that’s not how it always is, but to have the participants see how PACT works and how the children may be shy but they can still learn and PACT can happen…was necessary and she wanted the children involved. The teachers were gong back and forth saying they had no problem using the kids and never were embarrassed, now if I hadn’t been as stressed as I was, I may have let that slide but I didn’t. I calmly and asnicely as I could brought to the attention that that wasn’t true and we’ve had this fight in the past before…so in the middle of this lovely conversation/fight all of a sudden a flash went off…Mary was taking pictures of this graceful moment. I looked at her and said, “really? Right now? Of this?” She responded with, “I think documented evidence of your struggle and your fighting back is important and also in case any deaths happen we’ll have proof of where everyone was sitting so we can make your alibi accordingly.” Got love friends!
Long fight short…we agreed to practice with the kids that night when we got back and I basically said it was up to the teacher to plan this, I would help her but was washing my hand s of the responsibility of it…I was tired of fighting about this cause I feel I’ve been fighting for this since we started PACT…I had too many things to do and I couldn’t tackle this one right now too. Agreed 3pm we would practice. So, Mary, one of the teachers, and myself were off to Moleps to shop for food, last minute things like pens and paper and to collect the two other PCV’s that were helping me facilitate. After about an hour f waiting for the driver who went MIA after we were done he finally came back, I was stressed like nothing else and we went to Letlhakeng to do more printing, get the projector and such. I had a big migraine and it was now 230pm when we got back to my village. I drank some water and went up to school to practice. The teacher was awesome. She planned the session for the kids to do and got t together. She used a part if a session I thought of a few days before and then planned a new part. I was so grateful to her at that moment an impressed that she stepped up. The kids were there about 30 of them and we practiced for an hour. The session was Love, Sex, and Dating. That’s what the kids would teach that and do a PACT session in front of everyone. It was not an easy topic or topics we were asking of them but I knew they could do it. We practiced and I felt some mess ups would be made, which I didn’t care about but they did a pretty good job. We told them to be back to school the next morning at 930am.
I was there with the teachers til 8pm that night decorating the hall and cooking dinner, in the dark, YAY for no electricity for the teachers that had to stay the night. I work up the next morning at 6am to start the day and get t school to prepare things. They teachers were all there making breakfast already and so were the kids. We said 930 but they were so excited they were all there by 6am. Some of the boys borrowed these ripped up old ties of their dads or friends to wear and you could tell they felt very fancy and manly. It was very sweet! So, breakfast was made and the teachers/participants are started to arrive and take their seats. 3 representatives from NACA came, the Principal Education Officer came, the School Head of all School Heads for the District came as well as 17 out of the 20 teachers invited. 8 schools were represented. One school couldn’t come and two other schools just sent one representative instead of two. In true Botswana style, the workshop was meant to start at 8am but started at 845am…which actually isn’t very late surprisingly. So, it started with the school head giving welcome remarks and a few other protocol things. Then I had to give the objectives of the workshop and then do a session on the basics of PACT and all about it. John, another volunteer presented the basics of Life Skills session next. We had “Team Building Activities” after that which is basically playing games that we play in PACT which the participants really liked. We made sure to do that throughout the day to make sure this workshop would be interactive and not lecture cause that’s what PACT is. Everyone loved that especially since that’s not very normal here.
Then after tea, it was time for the kids. Myself and one of the PACT teachers led the session with the kids. I opened with explaining the purpose of the session and how I wanted them to see the kids in their environment and how PACT works first hand. Well, the children were phenomenal!!!! Unbelievable! They got right up there and confidently played games with all the participants watching and string at them. They answered questions about love, sex, dating, they knew answers like, “sex isn’t just about being naked with someone, it’s about making love because sex should be loving and you shouldn’t have sex with someone you don’t love…” I mean come on! Brilliant! I was such a proud mama! My kids were amazing!!! I couldn’t believe it, the teachers couldn’t believe it, the participants had their jaws to the floors. In total awe! Several of the teachers told me they would literally consider transferring to my school just for my PACT kids….oh and the kids did all of it in English. My kids are 10-15. All in English. 100% Everyone in the room was so impressed!!! People have been calling my school head for days congratulating her on her pupils and how they have heard amazing things about our PACT! My school head came up to me right after that session and said, “who was embarrassed again? …Cause that should shut them up!”
After the PACT kids, Mary, a PCV did her session on HIV/AIDS & Stigma and Discrimination. She did activities with the teachers that they can do with the youth and taught them about the topic. Lunch came and then time for Shannon to do her session on Communication which after that I led a session of having the teachers/participants all get into groups of four and make their own PACT lessons to get them used to how easy and simple it can be which I think they really got the point. One of the groups made up their own skit/play in 5 mins which was great cause that really showed them how easy it can be. The participants really tried and I think they got a lot out of it. It was a big success…and everyone keeps telling me that which is really great. After questions and comments and me needing to reinforcing how to start a PACT Club and how its possible to do it with no money (all the NGO’s and resources available to help them) it was about 5pm and time to be done. I am exhausted now. So tired. I can barely see straight. All that stress and insanity. Pure craziness but I think it went well and I think overall its worth it.
Now…starting to plan the Youth Camp…my work is never done…

First big event is coming

OK, I have no time to talk. I'll update soon...BUT 8 days til from now we are having our first big event fro the SAF Grant. We are holding a Facilitators Workshop on Novemeber 13th in my village. This has grown big. Over 20 teachers, 9 different schools and 3 other PCV's are coming to help us facilitate. We're going to be training all these teachers about Life Skills, PACT,HIV/AIDS prevention and the methods they can use in the schools and classrooms to gt tis info to the pupils in new and different ways. Its gotten pretty big. Botswana officials are suppose to be coming out to "benchmark" what we are doing and how they can use "our teachings" in the future. Which is cool but a little bit of pressure. I'm super excited and super super nervous too. So much has been planned and figured out so quickly. Wish us luck. This will be interesting...

“Who? White? Oh yeah, you’re looking for Emzo, we’ll go get her.”

Well, its been awhile but life here certainly hasn’t change much from its normal craziness. To start, my computer died about 2 months ago and lets just say I realized how very dependent I had become on that little electronic piece of brilliance. I had extremely little form of entertainment in my little hut and no way of getting work done in my village at all…needless to say, I missed it very much! BUT I am no longer electronically impaired, laptop is back and I’m having way too much fun with it being back…now I just need to get myself some electricity and I could really have a party!

OK, so as usual my life has been pretty busy and crazy, yet kinda boring. I don’t even know where to begin. Sorry if I skip around a bit, my brain just doesn’t seem to work the same these days…and mostly, its just how I think and I get a little too lazy to go back and edit things. True story! So…I’m trying to remember what has happened in the last 2 months or so and the first thing that comes to mind, is not the first thing that happened but it was pretty hectic in my life at the time…that would be my lovely experience with bed bugs! Yep, bed bugs…not just in American Hotels anymore…its gone global! So, long story short I was itching for about 2 weeks and the really sad part about that is that I WAS ITCHING FOR TWO WEEKS AND DIDN’T EVEN THINK ANYTHING OF IT…that’s how low my standards of living have become and how I don’t even notice stuff unless its so constant and unforgiving that it goes for weeks (and apparently longer than 2). Wow! I amazed myself with that one when I looked back and reflected on that. I had many conversations with my friends here and I would say, “Oh I’ve been itching like all the time for awhile..you think its like dry skin or the change in the weather or something?” My friends than saying, “well, how long as this gone on?” Me: “ummm…two or 3 weeks!” my friends gave long pauses, then laughed and then typically said, “what is wrong with you?? 2 weeks? You’re only questioning now? Yeah, that’s weird…not good!” sad, but true! I feel a little like I need a constant chaperon at this point in my life. So, I STILL waited a few more days and then really realized that most of my intense itching was at night, a few hours after I would go to bed. I kept looking at my bed and sheets trying to see if anything was there. Nothing, but the next day, I found two little bed bugs on my mattress (cause yeah, not that you’ll be surprised but when I say ‘mattress’ I mean a thin foam pad that god only know where it has been)…so not happy. I cried! I had that immediate response of oh my gosh, Im going to have to treat it like lice or something and how on earth do you wash everything you own and fumigate your house when you have no yard and only wash with water and buckets (which my village has had no water for a week at that point)…big tears! Giant tears! So not happy in life at that moment…so I did was all responsible and independent 24 year olds do…I called my mommy in the middle of the night, her night and freaked out!

She researched it for me and ensured me it wasn’t like lice but I was suppose to take everything I own outside to let the sun and heat kill the bugs cause apparently these creepy little suckers are going to outlive us all, like little cockroaches or something and that’s the only real way to kill them. So gross! I then called PC medical and no joke, this has never happened or at least hasn’t happened to any PCV’s in the last 4 years since this doctor has been with PC…cause he had no clue what bed bugs were or how to treat it or what I do…really…Im starting to feel like I just have “exception” tattooed on my forehead for most occasions in my life…not to sound like the victim or anything but really…come on…can’t at least one other person have to go through these things with me! I mean, for the love…
Anyways, so after many phone calls and many freak outs I fumigated my house by myself which was requested of me ( I won’t get in to that, I might get in trouble) so, I suited up! I put on my tennis shoes, long pants, long sleeved shirt, scarf around my face, baseball hat, and latex gloves on my hands in the 90 degree weather…I looked like an uncoordinated 3 year old that dressed myself trying to hold up a 7/11. It was interesting. So I was told to use doom to kill these things which I really don’t think was ever going to work but that what I was told so I did it cause I didn’t know what else to do...and I sprayed my house down fully! It was awful and reeked for doom. So after airing the house out all day, I personally couldn’t smell the doom anymore. I thought it was gone, I was wrong! I guess I just got used to the smell because I then within 2 days got a mild case of toxin poisoning! Horrible soar through, insanely dizzy, clumsy, disoriented, etc… not fun let me tell you. So after airing all my stuff out again and for 2 days….I then felt fine after a few more days. So, yeah…that was an awesome experience! I have a new appreciation for professionals that fumigate placed and washing machines and being home because then I could have called someone professional to do it for me!

Well, as far as work goes, its going pretty well. I had many up’s and down’s with the social worker and whether or not the second meal would ever get turned in AGAIN after all the hoop jumping that has been thrown at me for the last 8 months. I started this project in Sep 2009. Its been 13 months since we started this and really this could have been done 8 months ago but no one that was suppose to work ever got up and did it. Its been an extremely frustrating process and in total honesty that might make me look bad, I had hit a point several months ago where I just didn’t care anymore if it happened. Eventually you hit a wall and feel like you’ve done all you can, you’re still doing all you can, but if no one else cares, then why should you? This project is suppose to help the children and help the right people see how important this all is and how vital it is…but that didn’t seem to be working. It was all turning into me stressing, me freaking out, me crying, me being insanely frustrated and worried to the point where I just didn’t care. It wasn’t worth it to me anymore, or I guess I shouldn’t say that cause that’s not true, but I got to a place where I just couldn’t see the point anymore. I couldn’t see why I was doing this anymore…it didn’t make sense anymore! However, I continued to not know why I was doing whatever I was doing, but I did everything I could and all the parts I could do but at the end of the day the last part was the social worker. He had to personally write the last letter. I couldn’t do it for him and decided that I wouldn’t even try because that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to do a job that someone in Botswana can rightfully do…I came to help make connections and help people to help themselves…not do it for them.

So, after two months of the social worker telling me that we needed to edit my last proposal and then it was all done we finally were able to meet for this edit. I was ready to get this done, but like I’ve stated was still a bit like, “whatever!” We got together and I cannot stress enough…2 MONTHS OF HIM SAYING WE HAVE TO EDIT AND THAT’S THE LAST PART…2 MONTHS OF TRYING TO MAKE THIS WORK TO GET IT TOGETHER…2 MONTHS… so we edited it and again…2 months went by for this “crucial” edit that held up everything….we waited 2 months….for…wait for it….1 WORD! Yep! That’s right. I was speechless. We changed one word. All of that for one word. We changed the one word and I was waiting for the rest of his critiques and he goes, “ok, great, we’re done. That’s all that needed to be changed.” I looked at him and laughed and said, “you have to be kidding me!” and then continued to laugh like a psych patient. I really think I went a little mental just than. It was unreal!...BUT its turned in now. We did everything the Social Welfare asked us to do…did the entire evaluation and home visits over again, plus new houses, wrote new reports, MADE EDITS TO OLD ONES, and more…so we’ll find out. I have 8 more months here…just enough time for round 3 if they choose!

The grant is going well. I few frustrating moments of trying to get last minute transport for people and trying to work around the schedules of at least 11 different teachers from 3 separate schools and villages ( I’m learning that’s going to be a hard part), trying to get people motivated to work when in reality, I haven’t been motivated to work much these days. I don’t know if I’m burned out or becoming mentally checked out a bit since I’m on the downward slope or just too frustrated and stressed or something else or probably all of the above… Anyways, so we have done orientation to the two new schools and villages for the grant so that those teachers could be informed and have all the info they needed to start their own PACT Club since that is where the grant is suppose to be as of right now. As of now, we are technically one time with what we proposed and where we said we’d be by October, yet I feel behind. I feel like its not going as smoothly as it should be or I hoped it would be…but I’m hoping it gets better.
So, myself and one of the PACT teachers, who is the Standard 7 teacher went to Sesung and Mantshwabisi, the other two schools to orientate the teachers. I found free transport through the government of Bots, one week from the Ministry of Education and the other week from the District AIDS Coordinator…which is a big help grant money wise…so that was good. Myself and the teacher took 2 PACT member kids to Mantshwabisi and then 6 different PACT member kids to Sesung to speak with the teachers and help us with the orientation. It was very cool. The entire club the night before both events made posters for the kids that went to go to use to answer questions to tell the teachers. The PACT kids started out orientations by standing in front of teachers they had never met in a school and village they had never been too and confidently telling them, what PACT is, why its important, what pupils do in PACT, what they like about, why its different from classroom teaching, topics they learn about, etc…the kids were shy of course. We took kids form Standard 5-7 (they volunteered to go) which is about 11-14 years old. So, these are little kids that stood up in front of new and unknown authority figures and told them what they need to do to help their pupils learn about HIV/AIDS. I had two proud mama moments and the kids were mostly just excited because they go to leave the village. Haha They did a good job! They tried hard and worked hard and getting to see new things and the difference they can make…and those last two things were my biggest goals for these kids for my 2 years here. Sesung told me they have already formed their new PACT Club and the other school has gone a little MIA which makes me nervous but it’ll be ok.

I had a new experience with these excursions to the other villages and getting transport. I’ve been living firsthand the notion of “the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.” Literally living it in a way and its fascinating. So, before this grant, hell, the entire reason I applied for this grant is because no one would help me with the PACT Club, no one would give me transport, no one would come to the village, no one would do anything for me cause I had no money and was asking for ppl to help me just because my kids are impoverished and live in the middle of nowhere and I’m the volunteer and is suppose to help. I asked for funding from some and was told, “PACT Clubs should fund themselves.” Most of the time no one would return my calls or answer my texts/sms’s. My point is no one would help or contribute in any way. We were just another little youth group with nothing to our names and were asking for hand outs…well, now we have something to our name. Now we have money to fund ourselves and a sponsor that will help us…and suddenly everyone that turned me down last year is knocking on my door offering to help me! Now, the same people that told me to fund myself are giving me free transport and offering me things I didn’t even know they had or was even possible. So, now that I don’t need any help, everyone is helping me because I have made a name for myself and what I’m doing. There is status to what we’re doing. I’ve been told school heads from neighboring villages and other PCV’s from other villages that Metsi is no longer just Metsi, its become, “oh Metsibotlhoko, have you heard about how well the children speak English there and the PACT Club they have.” Many people have told me this. Which is amazing, the English is all the teachers, I mean yes, obviously I speak English with the kids, but the teachers have stepped it up with English this last year so much. They’re great!

Anyways, my point, its amazing to me that in this case, now that I have money, people are giving me things for free, yet, when I had nothing everyone pushed me out their doors empty handed. Its as if because someone was willing to give me money then everyone else assumed it was a good idea too. Its all about status and knowing the right people…I got lucky and I took a risk with this grant and it paid off. I mean, we’ll see how long this will keep up, but my local mentorship through the grant with NACA a huge organization in Botswana that everyone knows is helping me…and everyone knows that…hence part of all my free things. Metsi has been put on the map a bit now, which I really didn’t think would happen until we at least got electricity, which is still nowhere in sight for the near future at all from my understanding, but people now it know. There are talking about NACA helping with me with the camp that we are suppose to put together in the next few months that we haven’t even started planning for that they want to help and bring the local news, radio stations and find a way to benchmark my grant to then make it a technique for future HIV/AIDS prevention planning for the future. I don’t know how that works exactly especially cause I know I’m not the first person to come up with this tactic…but losts of big words are being thrown at me and we’ll see what happens.

We had the Standard 7 graduation last week after they finished taking their national exams to graduate Primary School. I planned last years but the teachers did this years. It was simple but good. Just got some of the PTA, the chief of the village and some other influential ppl from the village to come and talk to the graduating kids, then the kids ate a big fancy lunch which really is what they show up for. The chief made a speech to the kids about how important school is and how I am still a young girl, cause in this culture under 30 is still not an adult but I did well in school and so I’ve gotten far and life and so on. They kids kept looking at me and waving, I don’t even know if they listened. Haha oh well. I made the home made coke can awards again for the kids because I found out the kids defiantly remembered from last year. Back in August, a few months ago, the STD 7’s had to wrote their compositions for the national exam, one compositions in Setswana and one in English. Well, the school head told me that for one of the compositions the question was, “what a paper explaining and discussing last years STD graduation ceremony at your school.” Apparently they talked about how we did have this big party and the hall was all decorated cause it was and so on. They talked about all the teachers and what they did to help but never said names or anything and then most them added in or ended their papers with, “and Emily made these big shinning silver awards for all the pupils to keep and take home.” So, needless to say my school head and I decided that if the kids care enough to remember and write it then we had to make sure I did it again. I did. The kids were excited. One of the STD 7’s came to my house right at sunset, a few hours after the ceremony ended just to thank me for the award and told me that every time she looks at she gets excited and its so pretty. It w as sweet of her to come tell me that. It makes all the metal cuts I accidentally gave myself from making those things worth it.

At the last minute one, right before the ceremony started, one of the PACT teachers informed me that all the teachers decided to have a PACT member get up and give a word of encouragement to the STD 7’s. So, since I had 10 mins til the ceremony started and no one really explained to me what I was supposed to do or organize or how it was suppose to go. I asked the kids who wanted to do it…well, every kid in PACT wanted to do it cause they knew something I didn’t know. They knew that the one kid that helped was going to be fed like the STD 7’s and get the big fancy meal. Well, I didn’t know that. So I let 15 kids help and we all wrote out little encouraging things to say to the STD 7’s and life skills lessons to remember in junior secondary school. So, I had to turn kids away but I told 15 they could help and speak. I didn’t think it was weird so many wanted to help cause they always volunteer for stuff because staying at school longer isn’t a punishment here, they have nothing to do but chores at home, so staying at school to do things for me is a sweet deal to them…wow American kids are so different. You couldn’t have paid me to stay at school longer than I had to…but I also Nintendo, so I couldn’t be bothered!
So, after getting yelled at by teachers and then going and having to explain to the kids that I was unaware of the food aspect of this deal…no one was eating cause we didn’t have enough food. The kids were surprisingly ok with it and understood. They probably just figured cause well, I’ve done this before. It’s a cultural thing, you help you get fed. I’m still not used to that, but apparently the kids have gotten used to my ignorance so they were fine about it. They all stayed and did a great job is was very sweet to see the younger ones telling the older ones not to give into peer pressure or drink or that making mistakes is ok. Very cute! Luckily, my using 15 worked out well and there was enough food so all 15 got to eat like little kings and queens that day plus the STD 7’s too. I plan on “accidentally” using more kids all the time now! Ooops! Haha

While the STD 7’s were eating their huge meals, one of the girls all of a sudden asked me to bend down and she whispered something in my ear. She didn’t want the teachers that were all standing around here to hear. I had no idea what she was saying, she said it in Setswana first so I asked her to repeat it in English and she said, “Emzo, I’m really gonna miss you!” it was really sweet. I started to tear up and then so did she. Oh, I don’t know if I’ve explained this before but my entire village calls me Emzo or Emza! Seriously. Most can’t speak English or read or write…but they scream Emzo at the top of their lungs at me every day! It started literally the second week I was ever in metsi, last june and the Deputy Head called me Emzo one day (have no idea why), then she kept doing it and then it caught on. Now the majority of the village calls me Emzo and all the kids too. Like, if you came to my village, you would think from other people that was my real name. it’s a little intense but kinda nice, I mean I can’t speak to most of my village but I like that they are comfortable with me enough to have a nickname and laugh with me. That’s a good place to be in! The kids will tell new people that come to the village that my name is Emzo and it’s a nice thing to call me. I have no idea why…If another volunteer follows me I swear she/he will think my name is Emzo! For some reason its caught on like wild fire for the last month or two. I just keep hear in it everywhere. My favorite moment is someone from the district offices came to my school to speak with me and asked the children where “Lorato” is, that my Setswana name. The kids all looked at him and went, “who? white? Oh yeah, you’re looking for Emzo, we’ll go get her!” Haha They now pick Emzo over their own language and culture. Apparently cultural change has come to Metsi. Haha

So, its now official that within my group I’m now not only the only one with no running water and electricity, but I’m now also the only one without a fridge. Yep, the other volunteer in my group got a gas fridge against all odds from the Ministry but apparently they are “out” again. I won’t get into the politics of this topic cause then I will really get in trouble…but yeah. Life is never simple around here.
The kids at school got to see their first ever helicopter up close! It was so cute and exciting to see how excited they were. There was a police helicopter one morning patrolling over Metsi, just routine or something I guess and the kids were fascinated. All of a sudden the helicopter landed for about 2 minutes in our school field. Class was in session, but every kids ran out to the field in a huge stampede and got to get so close to the helicopter. They never see anything but combi’s, little vans, and cars. The children have never seen a real plane or helicopter or anything. It was adorable and so much fun for them. It may have lasted only a few minutes but the children are still talking about it and it was weeks ago!

Also, I went to the San Dance festival with some other volunteers a few months ago. That was great. So much culture and tradition. Seeing the San people and learning about them was wonderful! The festival was two days of just pure dancing from over 20 groups throughout Botswana. It was in Ghanzi area which is way West and almost in Namibia…It was such a cool sight to see. Traditional cloths, history, dancing, telling stories. Many groups didn’t wear tops because they couldn’t afford it. It was real and not as touristy as some things around here so that was nice.

On my way home from all that travel and the festival I received an sms/text from O’neil my friend in the village that was home for the school break and she told me she was eating cat. Like cat…like house cat…like Sylvester and tweety cat. I was horrified but laughed. She said they had no other food at home so they had to eat the cat, which she claims freaked her out a lot too and it smells horrible she said but doesn’t taste too bad…in case you were wondering. I late found out that the cat was actually her neighbor’s cat from the village. Its ridiculous but it is the life style. Her and I talked about it later and it is what you have to do when you have no other options, which I get and it makes sense…but still all I could think of was my poor cat at home..I can’t imagine eating her. O’neils family wanted me to join in and eat it with them, but against the cultural norm, I had to refuse. I couldn’t do it. We have peanut butter in Bots that comes from the brand, “Black cat,” someone suggested to me that I should next time just eat the black cat PB while they eat cat so that I’m still participating. I liked that idea. We’ll see. O’neil later that week at a porcupine, which I saw when alive and was so cute O’neil told me I would never be a good bush man cause I always think what I have to eat is cute…I agree!
OH! And to cook a porcupine…you know what you do…this is gross. You have to dig a hole in the ground and put the porcupine in it then cover the whole with cow pop and light it on fire to steam and cook for 5 hours….so you know, in case any of you ever have a future desire…now you know how to do it!

Fingers Crossed...

Ok, So I don’t have much time but keep your fingers crossed for me that things with the grant finally take off. I had a meeting yesterday with one of the two NNGO’s after many sms’/texts with the two NGO’s that I’ve been working with to come out to the school and they are both planning to come out this coming week. I had a meeting with House of Men (the theater youth group that teaches about life skills) today and they had everything all put together to come out to my village to train and work with the kids in a 4 hour workshop for Tuesday! It was beautiful; I was so impressed and happy! They had an amazing outline for all of it…all 4 hours. They were so put together and happy to be doing it. I loved them! It was so great…so, my school head and I then went to Moleps to buy so many chips, cookies, and other snack stuff cause a huge things in Bots is that every time you do a workshop or any type of meeting its like a cultural “NO NO” to not have food offered! So, after we loaded our cart full of all these goodies that the kids in my village will royally freak over…forget the training…the fact that there is food will be possibly the talk of the village…Tuesday will be good (FINGERS CROSSED).
Then after days of texting The other NGO, Tebelopele (the Voluntary Counseling and Testing/Youth group to train and help the children learn all about HIV/AIDS and build their confidence), is planning to come (the head counselors, not the youth group yet) on Wednesday to make a plan/schedule for the Youth Group (Youth Against AIDS)…once again, fingers crossed! They are scheduled to come…I’ve been sending texts and “stalking” them for two months now…finally, the time has come…fingers crossed (Lets see how many times I can say this!)
We had a staff meeting at my school last week and after 3 ½ hours of discussing teacher like things in Setswana and me playing games on my cell phone we talked about the grant and about picking the second village to work with. I spoke with Sesung, our neighbor/sister village that the teachers decided on which is a village of about 1300 people…they seem receptive and I really like their school head. She’s great…so we’re doing the grant with them…but we’ve spent the last two months debating which village we would work with and I never thought the teachers would be open to this and would be ok with it, but actually came up with Mantshwabisi all on their own. I was so happy! It was great! Mantshwabisi is a village about 60 from mine, so a little bit way but it’s a primary school, which is a boarding school and from my understanding really needs help. It has a high rape rate among children, and high pregnancy rate among other things. The NGO’s I’ve talked to really think that PACT and our grant will be such a beneficial thing for these villages…I’m so excited to go to these villages that really need help and not just doing villages that are convenient …and more so I’m excited that the teachers came up with these villages! I haven’t spoken with Mantshwabisi yet and I’m planning to go this week and hitch hike my way there to talk to them and hopefully get them on board…I’m trying not to get too excited just yet since things are up in the air, but I’ve spoken with them I the past about PACT and they were really excited for me to help…so fingers crossed that they are still interested!
Not about the grant, I took the initiative and talked to my the Deputy Head and teachers at my school to help me finish collecting the Second Meal Data without the social worker…cause well, it needs to happen. This project has been going on for a year this September! So, we buckled down and told all the children to tell their parents to come the next day to school…they all did! I have all the data now for the second meal…AGAIN…so now I have to finish a new proposal that they are requesting from me and then get it turned it and then I’m hoping the hoop jumping is over…maybe on the 1 year anniversary of this project I’ll get it…but I’m not holding my breath on that one…but guess again…fingers crossed!
So, keep happy thoughts for me that everything gets pulled off and works out!!!! I gotta go now, I have to go run around and buy pens for the Tuesday training for the kids to use, finish buying more snacks, buy food for me to live off of in my little hut for the week, and I need to get home and take a nap…this whole actually working and accomplishing things (fingers crossed)…is exhausting!!

"These hands may not be perfect but at least I'm trying..." ~ the random lady sitting next to me thats doing Habitat for Humanity in Bots

Let's talk about sex...(giggle...giggle)

A few weekends ago I was coming home from having been with friends and one of the STD 7 girls screamed my name from down the road as I was stepping out off the back of the truck that gave me a hitch to my village. She told me she needed to talk to me and ask me questions about something serious. Now, I’m not a parent but I had one of those heart stopping flinches that I imagine parents get when their children say things like that…my mind immediately went to, “oh my lord, she’s pregnant!” well, I wasn’t right, thank god, but not far off. She started to ask me in her broken, but really very good English, “if a boy and girl that have both hit puberty have sex, can they have a baby?” Her and I talked about it and I said yes and she continued to tell me that the two that are having sex are not in this village but are 13…I was horrified. I mean, I know this happens and I know that as taboo as sex is in this culture, children are sexualized very young. I mean, in reality there are 13 yr olds in America and all over the world having sex…its not just here. BUT me and my over protective mother feeling for the kids in the village was horrified!! So we talked about it some more and I tried to explain as simply as I could in the hopes that she will tell her friend that is having sex and is her age the information…cause really if the girl isn’t in the village, that’s all I can do…give my kids the info and hope they relay the correct info back to their friends.
The next day though the STD 7 teacher wasn’t in school cause she was doing grant/bank stuff with the school head so I did the protocol and texted/sms her if I could take her class for a bit to talk very frankly with her students about sex that day while she was gone..she replied, “of course honey…and better you than me :)” haha So, in the past and over the last year I have spoken with the kids here about sex and condoms and all those things that make you uncomfortable and giggle when you’re 13, but never have I ever had a full blown sex discussion with teenagers! Never! So, needless to say I was actually a little nervous about doing it just because I kept thinking what is ok to say? What are they too young to hear? Is it ok for me to even be doing this? Are the parents in the village going to show up at my house tonight with torches chasing me out of the village? I considered all those options and then realized that my job here for primarily for HIV/AIDS Prevention and this is a huge part of doing that job! Sex is Taboo here so I’m the one to talk to them freely and openly and I kept thinking about those two 13 year olds that are under the impression that if you aren’t in puberty yet, they won’t have a baby. It obvious that sex is happening here and at a young age…so as much I think they are too young to be hearing all about this now…they clearly aren’t and need to be safe. So, I jumped in and we talked!
We ended up having a 2 hour talk with just the STD 7 class which is only 8 kids, but the oldest in the school (13-16) and myself only! We closed the door because they didn’t feel comfortable having the other teachers hear their questions, which I understood. It was so great though. They were all so free and asked extremely personal questions!! I gave them a condom demonstration of how to properly do it, we talked about knowing when you’re ready to have sex, how to say no, when to say no, what to do if the person you want to have sex with says no, love, dating, relationships, respect, HIV/AIDS, STI’s, birth control, etc... The kids asked so many questions about a bunch of cultural myths about sex, pregnancy, and more that in America we would just laugh and think that’s insane, but people really think a lot of those myths are true and they should in a way if they have never been educated otherwise…how would they know its just a myth?!?! BUT the kids know now and I feel like I shouldn’t say what the kids questions were in this public forum, but oh my lord…kids really do say the craziest things!!!!!! HAHAAHA It was HILARIOUS!!!! They even laughed at one another for asking a few of the questions…but it really was so great that they asked such personal questions! I had no idea they would or even had that many questions. It was an eye opener for me too.
What was also an amazing thing about it all was that even though it was a small class, we did it all together, the boys and the girls. In the class are 6 boys and 2 girls…but they all asked questions about how the other gender felt in certain situations and how to respect and deal with the opposite sex and talked about it together. Rape came up many times in the talk because sadly it is very prevalent. It was a hard topic to cover. The girls especially kept asking me about how to protect yourself from rape and ways/methods they had heard of from their friends to protect themselves, which people do and which I had to sadly tell them those methods are actually hurting the situation more than helping which I hated case I could tell that really saddened the girls. BUT we talked about it and it was hard cause I’m lucky and its not a world I grew up in where rape was so prevalent so in the beginning I kept saying things like, “well, stand up for yourself. Say no! Talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend…” and realizing that those aren’t most people’s options! That’s not what rape is! You don’t have a choice in rape! Its awful! So, I ended up realizing what I was saying and how that wasn’t answering the questions that they needed an answer to…sadly, I didn’t have the answer they wanted. I couldn’t tell them how to stop rape! We talked about learning about beginning signs of a bad relationship, how to protect yourself, standing up for yourself, etc…those things absolutely need to be taught, but in the end I did have to say to them, “if you’re in a position that you truly can’t get out of and you are being forced to have sex, then do everything you can to get the other person to wear a condom.” It was horrible. I felt sick to my stomach having to say that and I debated even after I said it if that was right…in a way it felt like I was telling them to just give in…but I had to think of the reality. The reality is that rape happens. In Botswana to this day a husband forcing himself on his wife isn’t illegal. So for me to pretend like rape doesn’t happen or that everyone has options and there are things everyone can do to stop it is naive of me. So, as weird and uncomfortable as I felt to say that to the girls, I felt it was necessary.
I’m an expert by any means about any of this but I felt that that was one of those “do what feels right” moments and that what I felt I needed to say. Overall, it was a great talk. I told the teachers later a little about our talk and they all seemed very pleased that I did it. They kept saying that they know the kids need to know these but as teachers they themselves are embarrassed to talk about it with the children because they all came from the same culture so its jus as taboo and uncomfortable for them as the kids are shocked to hear it. So they were very happy I did it…but it seemed to inspire them a bit too which I didn’t see coming but was a really big highlight in my last year in here! The next day, we had PACT Club, I asked the two teachers what they wanted to teach the kids about and they said we should talk about what I spoke with the STD 7’s about with all of the Club which is STD 5-7 in my school. I was surprised but jumped at the idea of it. So, we had PACT and one of the teachers just instigated and lead the entire session. I never said a word. I walked around a took pictures for the grant of the club happening while 3 of the teachers lead an entire and extremely frank discussion with the kids about sex, masturbation, wet dreams, puberty, sex, etc…I’ve never seen or heard the teachers be this open and just go for it. It was amazing. It was one of those wonderful Africa moments for me, where through all the frustration of the last year felt worth it just then. There was a PTA meeting going on in the dinning hall, so we took the kids outside and did our PACT meeting outside in a circle on the lawn of the school at dusk which turned to sunset. It was beautiful. To have all the kids asking personal questions of the teachers and the teachers answering was just fantastic. It was a really good moment that helps me remember what I’m fighting for. So many moments I’ve had over the last year of breakdowns, crying, anger, frustration, and feeling like I’m accomplishing nothing…but then out of nowhere a moment or two kick in and I feel like I get it! Like I can remember why I’m here and what I’m fighting for…for me, that was one of those moments!
My Bots 8 groups had MST (Mid-Service Training) last week where we did three days of training and then two days of medical appointments to prove to DC we’re alive and doing alright (even though we were all sick at our appointments, some flu is going around, which by the way my whole village keeps teasing me I have Swine Flu). It was good to have all 50 something of our group back together in one place to hang out and catch up, cause really that’s why we go! It was also a bit of a celebration for the fact that our group is half way through…15 months down and 11 to go! I’m on the downward slope of my Peace Corps Service…I never thought I’d get here. It felt like forever. I was telling people I’ll be here for two years and now it really feels good to say just another year…not even a year! I love this place in so many ways and oh my lord the huge breakdown I’ll have when I actually leave, but I’m ready to move on. Two years in a long time with no electricity, sharing my water source with the village outside, a pit latrine, showering rarely…and I mean rarely, hand washing, my neighbors not understanding a word I say and Vice Versa…two years is a lot. Haha BUT it’s a good lot!

This is the MTV website for my grant/PACT Club that is open for the world to view. Not much is there now, but they continue to add more photos and whatnot as the grant continues for partners in the grant, possible donors, and anyone that wants to know anything:

http://www.stayingaliveconnected.org/pg/groups/usergroup/1624

Staying Alive Foundation grantees in 2008

This is the link to a video of one of the MTV Staying Alive Foundation Ambassadors that went to Kenya, Tanzania, and South Africa to meet some of the SAF grantees...people with the exact same grant that I got!

Diary of Kelly Rowland from mtv staying alive on Vimeo.

Money. Money. Money...!

Stress, stress, stress, stress, and more stress! I feel like a total nut job these days! So, in just the last week or so all we (and by “we” I mean, myself, my school head, several teachers and grants advisors in both New York and England) have spent about two weeks just trying to get all the confusion of the banking information sorted out. Its’ still not entirely, but at least by now we have figure out where the money actually is…yes, that was an actual issue!!!
I’ve been stressing myself out, I’m sure more than I should be, but I’m learning how to not totally take everything on at once…still I clearly have a lot of work to do with that…but until my mental health gets a bit more on par with other normal people in the world…I’ve been me and going a bit crazy! So, I’ve been trying to start everything up because according the grant outline that I had made for the actual grant I needed to start training like a month ago and getting everyone on board and on task. It’s funny actually, cause I read my writing and listen to myself saying things like, “getting everyone on board and on task” and “getting everything started immediately” and all I can think to myself is, “are you freakin’ insane, what has ever proven to you that going to happen like that???” TRUE STORY!!! Things don’t happen like that here and really can’t if I’m so scatter brained like I’ve been. I have to be the motivator of this project and be there to try to get others to care and be inspired to do it…so If I’m all crazy like then it isn’t going to go all planned like I want it to, not even close…and that’s what happened so far. We’re on the mend and this thing will happen, this grant will be successful even if it kills me, which I don’t believe it will kill me but a nice ulcer from stress or stroke possibly…I’m betting its not totally out of the question at this point. NOT.AT.ALL!!!!
Anyways, I’m getting off track, shocking, but…so my school head told me months ago when I brought up this grant to her thinking it wouldn’t really happen, that we could use the school bank account. A week or two ago I needed to get that info to the Foundation so they could deposit the money and we could start everything. I asked my school head where the bank info was because I needed to email SAF (Staying Alive Foundation) with the info. She told me to go to the school head’s office and school and all the info is there. She wasn’t at school that day so I, in all my hurry and glory of thinking I’m so clever to get it all done so fast, found a bank account and one I knew I’d seen before and used that info, told MTV (SAF) and they deposited the money the next day! Oh yes, I’m amazing….haha…uh…not so much! So after about several days of my hounding my school head about how we get the money out of the grant she informs me, “oh we can’t…the bank account we use is for PTA (yes, we have Parent Teacher Association here too) and only the parents in the village have access to the money.” So, despite my minor stroke after finding out not only do myself or the teachers have access to the money but there is randomly over 6 grand in the parents bank account. COOL!!!! I could feel the ulcer coming…
OK, so next step, my school head two days later decided that we were going to open a new bank account for “fundraising” for our school that gave only teachers access to the account and would be based in Moleps which is 80K from us where as the current bank account for the parents and where the money was is in Gabs which is about 140K from us. So, ok, great! I liked that plan…BUT we have to transfer the money. So its already been over a week of nothing happening. Finally my school head last week took 3 parents from out village to Gabs to have then sign and get out $6,000 or about 40,000 pula out of the bank account so we could put it in out new one. Well, I was starting to think thing might work out when suddenly I got a call from one of the teachers at my school that went to the bank saying, “Emily! There is no money in the account…what account number did you give grant ppl?” I was freaking! I was shaking! All I could think was, “oh god I’m going to owe MTV $6,000….actually my mom will cause I don’t have any money…she’s gonna be pissed!” yep! My exact thoughts!!!! I kept telling the teacher and my school head over the phone, “I took the account number the only bank account we have, I took the account from the invoices in the office…why is there no money. MTV says they gave use the money!” Finally, my school head pauses for a long time, I was on the verge of tears but I think I was freaking out to hard to actually cry, my school head finally speaks and says, “what do you mean the ‘only account we have’? We have more than one!”
OH DAMN!!!!
Yeah, no one told me that! It never occurred to me that our tiny school in the rural bush of Botswana would have more than one bank account. We never have money or do anything with money so in all honesty, the idea we even had one bank account took me back a bit. My school head told me she would call our Deputy Head and try to figure out where or what account I sent the money to, said she’d call me back and then hung up! I was in the middle of having my ulcer/stroke/heart attack combo as I kept thinking about how I may have possible put the money in to god only knows who’s account and kept imagining all the money gone and having to explain to MTV that I accidently lost all their money because I put it in some teacher that used to work in my villages account. After several heart palpitations, my school head called and first, laughed at me and then informed me that I actually put it in the safest account possible, but its going to be some trouble to get it out of that account. I put the money accidentally in the councilmen’s bank account. I gave the money to the Botswana government! How did I do that!!!!!!!???????? I guess we have an account that is with the Bots government and the Council so that if we need any official repairs or something like that to the school then they give us money to do so….instead I gave them 40 grand! Yeah! Pretty much!!!!!!
So, good thing is that the money is still there. The only person from my entire village that can access that money is my school head and she of course hasn’t touched it and I really trust her…so that’s good at least! However, we have now written several letters and made numerous phone calls to try to explain the council that we need our money back. Apparently this isn’t a speedy process cause, well, they are shall I say a little perplexed as to how we got 40 grand in pula from our tiny village and they are definitely not used to receiving money in these accounts. So, the process continues! That’s has literally been my last two weeks…We should get the money soon and my school head is on it. That women is a force to be reckon with when she’s on a mission and its fantastic!!!! We did get the new bank account set up so whenever we do get the money then we do have a legit place to put it…so that’s a plus! Its still a bit of a hassel, but I need to count my blessing at this point…the bank account has the school head and two teachers that are authorized to withdraw money from the account which means they have to go in person. 2 of them always have to go…so that means whenever I need money for anything from the grant I have to organize 2 ppl to go 80K on a week day which can take all day just to get money…which is a lot harder to get organized then it sounds…but gotta do what I gotta do! So there you have it.
Mostly I need to calm myself down. I’ve been sick with a bad sinus infection for the last week, I think just from so much stress and everything. BUT that has not helped the situation…keep your fingers crossed for me. I sent a mildly threatening text (and I mean it was nice but firm) to the social worker today telling him that he had to come to my village next week to finish this second meal thing…HAD TO! He said he agreed and he’d be here all day Monday for the whole day so we can finally finish it all…we’ll see what happens. I’m normally a very nice person, or at least I try to be, but enough is enough! I started this is September 2009…its still not completed. So, I’ve hit that point of, as nicely as I can, I’m not asking…I’m telling! Which actually seems to work more. I don’t like being like that but it gets ppl to do things more and then I just still giggle a lot to make it seem not as mean…which also, kinda works. Haha

I had a real business meeting today...when did I become a grown up??

Well, for starters….sorry its been awhile. I’ve had a few people point out to me that I suck for not updating more. Well, my apologies. The last month or two or however long is really been have been a whirlwind. There has been sadness, happiness, psychoticness and as many other “nesses” that you can possibly think of. There will be no really order to this cause honestly, I really can’t remember how things have been, it’s all a blur these days. Ok, so to start with, I got the grant! I got that big grant that is such an honor in most ways but oh my lord, is now so overwhelming! I mean this, in total honesty when I say, I genuinely never thought I’d get the grant! So, when I made this big elaborate plan for what “my next year” would be and put it all together, I planned it in a way of like, “oh yeah, lets throw that in there too, that would be cool and it will save all of Africa!” I was naive and didn’t think I would ever have to do it…well, I’m freakin’ cool like that and karma has an interesting sense of humor. I knew that already though, so I don’t know why I messed it!!!! I know it will be great and I believe in the intense plan I made for myself and I think when its all over next year I’ll be way proud…but holy mother…all I can think now is, “what have I gotten myself into?” It’ll be good. I tell myself that about a hundred times a day if not more. I’m proud that I did get the grant and I think if it gets pulled of like its suppose to then it will be a really great thing for many villages! Please keep fingers crossed for me and if you happen to run into any amazingly rich people that know a lot about business, like bill gates or something…please send them my way! I could use the help! I’ve now had a few busness meetings with the NGO’s and other organizations, talking about “money” and making work plans…I feel way too grown up. When did I become an adult that does those things? How did that happen??? I still feel like I’m ten and just want my mommy to handle it…which if I asked, she would…but I guess I’ll do it since I’m here.
So, now, I’m running around like a crazy person trying to find 2 other villages that I think will be good for the grant and have eager staff and people in the village to work on this plan. I’m getting bank info figured out and running around to all the NGO’s, CBO’s, and FBO’s that are helping me out trying to make sure everyone is still on board. (that’s a lot of something GO’s…dang!) Anyways, so it’ll be good…see I’m telling myself again! But…..next is the second meal!
Yep…that’s still around…kinda. Barely! OK, so short version. The Social welfare people have approved it but want to determine if it’s the families that need the help (food and support from gov) or if its really best to give it as a meal to the school to feed the children. Debate! So, I’ve been fighting for the meal, because there needs to be much behavior change in the village done before I believe giving it to the homes will get the food to the children directly…the grant in theory will start this behavior change…so im working on it, but until progress is made myself, the school, and the social worker are fighting to have the extra food go to the school. The social welfare people as of last week decided that since this process has already taken 8 months…they need NEW supporting data! Yep! Due to the fact that my mom won’t let me swear and I feel writing bad things on internet is not the best plan…I will just say that that news didn’t make me very happy. So, the social worker and myself have to go home to home AGAIN and get all the data over again from the 30 homes we went to last September as well as the additional 30-40 homes that my school identified as “suspected needy” but aren’t currently under the government list of OVC (orphans & vulnerable children)…score! So, yeah! Again, I’m not allowed to swear! You can imagine. I’m sure! So, after my friend from home david, that’s been here for many weeks visiting me offered to let me punch him in the face to get out some frustrations (which for the record, I didn’t but thought about) I let out a few tears and then realized, “screw it…I’ll do it and do it better and show up at their door steps at midnight just to prove my enthusiasm.” So, the social worker and I will do it. Trying to get all the necessary people in the village to accomplish this is becoming the new ridiculous task that makes me feel like going home to the US, not a horrible plan…but I won’t. It’ll happen. I’m beyond frustrated and overwhelmed, but I’ll do it. I’ll do it all. It needs to be done and If they keep throwing things at me to deter me…fine, so be it…game on!!! Haha
So, despite the set backs and also the good news its been filled with random drama but its been pretty normal. A few kids lately have been running away from school the last few weks because they are standing up for themselves and refuse to be beaten. Its still unreal to me that the children are just coming forth and taking a stand. Its awesome, but also hard. Life Skills is certainly in Metsi, the kids are proving that now, but I need to find a way to get them to find a balance. Taking a stand is amazing but dropping out or running away is not the way I want them to be handling the situation. I’ve been counseling a few kids and so far they have stayed in school and no beatings. My school head and the teachers are really wonderful. They don’t totally get it but have been really receptive to the change for the most part which is phenomenal because then not only are these kids taking a stand but getting validation from it and getting empowered for being heard when they do! It still is going to take more work and we have to work on it, but cool things are happening in Metsi…it’ll be good.
We’re planning to do a camp fire next week, not sure if it will happen but we’ll see. We have all the goodies to make s’mores (which is not in this country, the kids have no idea what they are, but are sooooooo excited) and we’re going to try to make a life skills thing out of it. I’ve given the responsibility to the kids to plan and we’ll see what happens!

The days feel LONG but the years just fly by...

The impossible happened…I finally finished the grant!!! I never thought it would end and I’m actually pretty proud of it. I have no idea if I will get the money or if it will work but that’s really only half the reason I did it in the first place. I have never written a grant before, ever! I mean, nothing like this…I’ve written papers for college…that’s the extent of my writing skills and my experience with business is nada!!! I wrote this grant because if figured that if I want my career in life to be along the lines of the work I’m doing now then I’m sure grant writing will show up eventually. I really hope not anytime soon but you never know. I figured the best way to learn how to is to force myself to just do it even if I literally had no idea what I was doing. I spent the last month living, breathing, and dreaming…actual dreams. You know the dreams that people have about walking into their high school naked or falling or flying or something like that…those pretty common dreams that are related to stress and whatnot…well, I was literally at least a few times a week for the last month having dreams about this grant. Dreaming about not getting the grant done in time or just reliving whatever work I did on it earlier that day. My friend Kristen told me not long ago that I had a problem and it was called being a workaholic…I think she was on to something with that!
The grant was a grant for the Staying Alive Foundation that’s founded and sponsored by MTV, yes, MTV…like Real World MTV…yeah…but they do good things. The grant is based on youth led organizations trying to fight against stigma and discrimination and teach HIV/AIDS prevention to other youth. So I wrote a big activity filled plan for how my PACT Club can establish other PACT Clubs and then over the years continue to expand the PACT Clubs in the basis that behavior change is really what will stop HIV from being spread. It’s the idea that children are taught in school all the time what HIV/AIDS is and how not to get it, my little 8 year olds can repeat the definition of HIV…the kids know it well. The youth know all the definitions but HIV is still occurring and new infections are still happening. The grant and basically what life skills is about is teaching the youth and all people really, that you need to know, respect, and love yourself and the people around you…then HIV hopefully won’t have any new infections. If a young girl respects herself then she won’t go out and have unprotected sex with someone and if an uncle respects himself or the people around him then he wouldn’t rape his niece and so on. If people really felt love and understood it, I can’t even begin to explain how different things would be! Having life skills, knowing yourself, respect, empowerment, leadership, etc…those are all the things that people really need to learn and live in order for things to really get better or for big change to really happen, I think anyways from what I’ve seen. At the end of the day, you can know all the definitions you want, which is good to know don’t get me wrong, but if you don’t respect or love yourself or feel motivated about your future then the definitions are just words and words alone won’t stop a person from becoming HIV infected.
This grant is the first I have found that actually gave a chance to people like myself and my village that doesn’t have an NGO to take it over. So few grants come like this. Everyone, all the “experts in the business” that trained us on grants during Peace Corps training told me I would never get money for my village cause I don’t have an NGO… so I should just do other things and forget about it. Maybe I won’t get money, but I at least found a way and am so far doing more than those people thought I would…so they can bite me. Haha (I mean that in a respectful way, of course) Anyways, it’s a really long shot but I worked really hard on it and had my entire family and a bunch of friends here edit it and give me advice which really helped and made me feel a little more like I wasn’t about to send this big organization a horrible paper that they would just laugh at. We’ll see what happens. I won’t hear about it until May 31st. The grant spans through a year. From June 2010-June 2011…right up until I leave to finish PC and go home or somewhere.
So my life has been this grant for the last month but now its over which is nice! It been a year now since I started the PC and left the USA. So, my group, Bots 8 decided to go up to the Salt Pans for the Easter weekend and camp! That was my first camping, like real camping, ever. I mean, my life is basically two years of camping, but this was real. Like, sleeping on rocks in a tent, in the middle of nowhere, no showers, restrooms, anything…roughing it…cause well, I don’t do that enough apparently and we thought it would be fun. A lot of people in my group were making comments about not having electricity and running water and how much planning it took and how hard it was, the they’d look at me and be like, “oh right…sorry.” Yeah, sadly, I didn’t even notice the difference. The only thing about this that was different from my everyday life was the scenery and that about 40 other people were with me. That’s all. It was though! The Sua Pan is near Sowa which is a village that one of the Bots 8 lives in and is near Francistown which is in the middle of Botswana in the East. The majority of my group was there and we all spent Friday night camping in Sowa in the other volunteers back yard and hanging out which was awesome. Then Saturday we all jumped in a huge truck and painfully crammed in together cutting off each other’s circulation by sitting on one another and crushing each other…we thought of it as Bots 8 bonding for the entire 30 minute ride. 30 mins really doesn’t sound like much but when one person would move an inch and then 6 others would yell, “OW!”…then 30 minutes is a lot!!! We got out to the Pans on Saturday afternoon and it was beautiful. It looked like it went on forever! There was little tiny pink spots on the horizon all along the pans and it was flamingos, they stay there on the pans, hundreds and hundreds, maybe thousands of them…so beautiful. Wild wildebeests ran all over in huge herds and we saw a few jackals too. Also, a HUGE tarantella…not ok with me! It was running through our tents and came back later in the night when there was no lights….I’m so not a fan! Not even a little!!!
Anyways, so we all set up our tents and then all the guys started to braai and make all the food and all the girls walked the pans. It was very “hunter gather and were girls so we’re going to go gossip about anything” of us. Its what we do! After walking the pans a bit and talking about how if we decided to run 10 miles and get to the flamingoes, would riding one be possible???…we all ate and then started the burning man. A few of the volunteers constructed a burning man. It was pretty cool! They made a huge man out of wood and then shaped more wood to make it look like the man was riding a horse and holding a sword. It looked good. The plan as I think it is pretty self explanatory was to burn the man. So, after a few, “we made it a year and haven’t left or died,” speeches we started the burning man. It took a few tries but started to burn and it was big flames and really cool! It lasted about 15 minutes til a HUGE tornado type sand storm hit out of nowhere. Literally nowhere. No time to prepare, no idea…just happened. A absolutely enormous sand storm. So, since we all had plans to sleep under the stars on the pan…all of our tents were out in the pans….now starting to blow away. So as the thunderous rain, HUGE lightening and sand blowing us in different directions we were running to go get our tents and take it to cover. Oh I forgot, There is a huge house in the middle of the pans. Its this vacant, half of a house/cabin that is there as shelter for people that want o go out there. It was amazingly cool big half of a house! So, we all ran and got our tents, we were soaked and could barely see cause we had too much sand in our eyes at this point. I mean, it was like a mini tornado. HUGE sand storm…we couldn’t get our tents to stay grounded…everything was flying all over bottles flying and then breaking at our feet. CRAZYNESS!!!! The storm only lasted about 20 minutes but it did a good amount of damage …but it was fine. We then traded in our sleeping on rocks idea for sleeping on cement in the half house…that’s really comfortable let me tell ya! We all woke up really early cause well, you wake up with the sun when you camp…apparently…and walked the pans again at like 530 am before we crammed ourselves back in the truck! The pans in the morning was still wet from the night before and so we skated basically. It was so slimy and slippery, you could skate through it…so muddy but it was fun. We watched the flamingoes and sunset on the pans which are gorgeous and then packed everything up and went back to Sowa. Then packed everything else up and spent the next 7 hours on buses to get almost back to my village. The hitching makes it so there is no way to get back in one day for me. It was a really good one year celebration with my whole group to really recognize what’s going on and that’s its been a year. I can’t believe its been a year. The first year never feels like you’re making progress on it…I only started telling people that I’m here for one more year rather then 2 years a few weeks ago. I kept forgetting the time and how long I’ve been here. I’m almost half way done! Thought that would never happen. The Bots 7’s are leaving in about a month. The new group, Bots 9 gets just arrived on April 11th. I’m be one of the newbie’s anymore…I’ll be considered “experienced and knowledgeable” about life in Botswana…don’t know if that’s entirely accurate but others will think so and I like that!
I spent last week hanging out in my village, not doing a whole lot. School is on break for all of April. Term 2 starts up on April 27th so I basically have very little to do right now. Schools not in, I just finished the grant, most of the kids in the village leave and go work for their families at the lands for the month…so not a lot to do. I’ve been hanging out with a few of the older girls in the village that are off at boarding schools in other villages so they only come back to Metsi on breaks. Its nice to have some girls my age around to talk to and hang out!! One girl in particular comes to get me at my house a lot an then find really random stuff for us to do, but its great cause I learn more about Botswana life and the culture with her than anyone really. Last week she showed up at my house and took me to her lands where her family grows sweet reed (sugar cane) and watermelons. She showed me how to properly cut down the sweet reed and the Motswana way of eating it… We walked back to the village carrying huge piles of sweet reed with her other sisters, one my age and one that is a STD 5 and goes to my school. I learned how to carry it on my head like women traditionally do in Africa. That is way harder than it looks!!!! I’m certainly not an expert yet but I tried. One thing the girls like to do is to watch as trucks go by, usually filled with men, because they usually always wave at me cause I’m white. Every time a new car would pass they would get all excited, try to hide behind me, and then as soon as the guys waved they’d scream and yell at them and then laugh for several minutes. They don’t care that I’m white anymore, the village is used to me, so they think its really funny when other people still care and make a deal out of it.
Another morning last week a few of the girls helped me to finally make a clothing line for my house. Ive spent the last year with a rigged line that goes across my house on the inside. I’ve wanted a line outside for awhile but I knew I’d have to make it an construct it and I had no help and didn’t know how. So O’neil (that what we call her short for her long setwana name) and her sister help me! We took the axe from her families yard and then walked about 15 minutes into the bush and then started looking for trees that stood up straight. I wasn’t entirely sure what the point was but I also had no idea what to do so I followed their lead. We found a good tall tree that stood up straight and then O’neil started to chop it down…yep, I chopped down trees with an axe in the middle of the African bush! I did! It was a really cool African moment. You know, every once in awhile I have those moments when I actually feel like I’m in Africa and living like the people in Africa…this was definitely one of those moments! We shopped down the first tree and then O’neil decided it wasn’t tall enough… so then we found two more tall trees and chopped those down. An hour later and a lot of sweat and soar hands from the axe we had 3 big tree trunks and now had to drag them back through the bush back to my house. So…we did! We got all the trunks back to my house and then started to dig 2 holes for where we would stand the trees into to make pole type structures to then put a rope from one side to the other to make my clothing line….just like how everyone else in the village has done it over the years. My clothing line looks just like everyone else…which I like. The chief of my village and the chief’s headsmen all watched me do it…a few guys that live in the village saw us and came to help us dig (especially since we didn’t have shovels…we had a metal rod that helped move the soil around and then we used our hands). I was told a long time ago that technically the Ministry of Ed has to supply me with a real metal clothing line like most PCV have, which I don’t know if that’s true or not but I like my little hand made one better and I think it shows the people in my village that I really am living like them…I chopped down the trees from the bush myself to prove it. All the villagers that walked by while we were doing this just smiled and laughed a little…they still think its really funny when they see me do things that they do…but I’m learning to appreciate that laughter and know that’s its kind of a sign or respect rather than mocking which in a year a go all of us PCV’s thought it was. So now I have a beautiful clothing line that sits out in the sun and dries all my cloths…I like it!!!
Last weekend there was a netball and football tournament in the neighboring village, Sesung, that my village was in so I went with a few friends from the village. We all crammed into a truck that really holds about 15 and made about 40 fit…really not sure how that happened but we did it. We got tot Sesung and watched about 3 netball games and a football game. Netball is big here! Its basically basketball but with no dribbling! Its cool and looks really hard to do now that’s I’ve watched more of it. The Metsibotlhoko netball teams is all girls. I’m pretty sure netball is a girls sport here only! Metsi’s team is called the “United” and they played so well. We won 27 to 8! It was awesome. They did a really good job and seemed pretty happy that I went o cheer them on. I was of course the only white person there at all. So, people from the other villages that don’t have white people or PCV’s in their villages are always a big shocked and interested when I show up. My village just strolled in like I’m not a big deal at all, they were glad I was there and did spend a few minutes showing me off and telling their friends, but it wasn’t a big deal. When the people from the other villages saw me get out of the truck and walk to the field with my village….wow…it was like a celebrity showed up!!! They all stared at me and a few people tried to pet me and then they just gossiped about me and continued staring. To an extent I’ve gotten used to it but it’s a bit weird still….and its all because I’m white.
Everything was going well. My village just finished the game and did amazingly and I had been there all morning and people seemed to get a bit more used to me and not care as much right until about the time we were leaving. O’neil and I had been in the sun all morning and decided to hitch back to Metsi with a few other people…all of a sudden girls from the Sesung team started yelling at O’neil. It was all in Setswana and Sakgalahadi, so I had no idea what was going on, but heard the term, “Legkoa!” a lot and I know that means white person in Setswana so I knew I had something to do with it. They were yelling and then O’neil was yelling then a bunch of people from my village and Sesung were yelling…it was bad….and I was pretty sure I was involved, even though I had no idea how. O’neil eventually stormed off and took a few minutes alone to cool down…then we left and starting trying to catch a ride back to Metsi. O’neil and I talked about what happened later on and she told me that all the girls from Sesung were telling her that because O’neil was hanging out with me so much during the game, she must be trying to use me or be my sidekick of some sort and was acting like “my sister” which implies that she’s “too” close to me. They didn’t believe that a black girl from Metsi and a white American girl could be real friends. They made fun of O’neil for hanging out with me and gave her a hard time and my village and said that it wasn’t real and that I’m white and it can’t be a real friendship or relationship of any kind. It was unreal and ridiculous! Sesung doesn’t have a PCV or any white people in it, as most of the smaller villages here in Bots don’t…so they don’t understand it. They don’t understand me or think that a white person could care about black people or people in Bots or Metsi. White people in Bots are seen as superior to black people. So when others see me, its like a celebrity. My village, while still sees me as a bit superior and probably always will…has learned that I care about them and work for them and has gotten used to me being here and smiling at them…so its all good in Metsi. Other villages that don’t have that exposure, like these girls, get jealous and don’t get it…and they way they respond to that is hate. O’neil was great about it and so was my village. I don’t know exactly what was said but they stood up for themselves and for me and were even able to see it rationally when it was done. O’neil was the one that first said to me, “they just don’t experience it, so they can’t understand. Maybe if you come to Sesung more often then they will be nicer about you.” This big fight went on and all because I was white and they were black and that they wouldn’t/couldn’t believe that me being there with them was real and that there were no strings attached on either side! I was proud of my little village but I will say that it was really weird and a lot of really new feelings for me to be involved in a fight about race and equality. Maybe I’m naive but I thought the world was better than this by now…but I guess that is my lack of exposure. I’m usually the majority, not the minority so I guess I wouldn’t really know how far the world has gotten…but I’m certainly getting glimpses of it now!