Don't be afraid to succeed...

How do you know when enough is enough? How does one know when to stop fighting and admit defeat? Or is there another option besides defeat…such as having a change of heart or deciding it’s not worth it? BUT would those being considered settling or the reality or just being mature? I feel that in order to feel good or at least OK about stopping the fight against what you want a person needs to feel as if you are not loosing anything or missing out on something in some way. Last week NACA, the biggest NGO of HIV/AIDS Prevention in all of Bots invited 3 of my primary PACT students to attend the biggest celebration in Bots, World AIDS Day celebration and be there to answer questions and talk about PACT after having seen them a week or so ago in the Facilitators Workshop we held.. This was a HUGE honor. This is the biggest celebration in Bots hosted by the biggest NGO in Bots that had invited my little young PACT kids from tiny Metsibotlhoko to come and teach others…by the way this is the celebration every year that the President of Botswana attends!!! This was HUGE. I was over the moon, so excited a few of the teachers were saying this will make history for Metsi, Peace Corps couldn’t believe it and were thrilled for me and Metsi, The Ministry of Education were applauding us and kept saying, “Metsi is on the MAP!!!” and I just didn’t know how this happened. BUT, a few of the other teachers were refusing to let the children go. I was shocked and really upset!
The thing is, the teachers had planned months before to take all the children from Standards 4-7, about 50 children on an “Educational Tour” around gabs from Nov 29-Dec 3 to show them things like the Parliament building, the meat commission, a game park, the media complexes and other things the children have never seen…I mean, many have never been to Gabs before. I applauded the teachers for the initiative and work on making this happen. BUT with my luck, World AIDS Day is on Dec. 1st and so I and one other teacher taking 3 pupils to World AIDS Day would mean they had to miss 1 day of the Educational Tour. So, I understood the teacher’s initial hesitation, kinda, but to have half of them say NO to letting the children go, I couldn’t comprehend or agree with. I asked them why and I got some responses that didn’t make sense basically. No real reason but yet the decision was NO. I was so frustrated and irritated that these children might miss out on something amazing for childish reasons that were not valid at all.
So, my school head and I fought it for a bit and then she gave up to. So there I was, a week away from World AIDS Day, 6 days left and 1 more school day until the term ended, crying in the school heads office by myself, so confused and feeling so alone and exhausted from fighting all by myself again. I started to question…when do I give up too? Why am I fighting for this? Is it worth it? Maybe I should give up? Asking myself so many things I could even understand why I was doing this anymore…I could make no sense of it to myself anymore…but I knew it felt wrong to stop. I called my mentor at NACA who invited us and asked what was going on. My school head the day before, not known to me had already Cancelled our transport we had to go and spoken with NACA to say we weren’t coming because the teachers couldn’t agree. I was even more annoyed and upset…now I had more to fight for. I asked the women from NACA, can we still come if I fight harder and try to make it work, she was very sweet and here response was, “oh please Emily. Make it work.”
Knowing I had her support helped but still I had this feeling of if everyone around me doesn’t seem to care, then why should I? How will change ever happen if this childishness is expected and accepted? If I weren’t here this would all have been dropped with no reasons, hell, if I weren’t here no one would have even been invited. In a way I know that should make me feel proud and in a way it does, but it also scares me…cause I’m leaving in 7 months and I wouldn’t be here to fight next time…so what…then everything goes to hell? Nothing happens? All for childish reasons or laziness?
So, still in a fog and still not knowing what the “real” right thing to do was, I walked in and spoke with two of the teachers, knowing this might mess up my reputation with them and make the next 7 months not enjoyable at all…but I still went. I went in and all I said to them is, “I’m so frustrated! I don’t know what to do…we need to talk.” Which seemed to get there attention. They both stopped what they were doing and looked at me with concern which honestly, took me by surprise. We talked about it and how important I thought it was and who to not let the children go in fear they would miss going to the 2 things scheduled that day for the tour (which were the airport which is under construction so they can’t go anyway and the water utilities complex, which I found out also might not be happening) wasn’t fair to the children. World AIDS Day is extremely educational. It’s all the big NGO’s and influential people in Botswana that attend this and speak about everything they do to fight for HIV/AIDS, everyone is there, the great minds, the fighters, the supporters, etc… all in the biggest celebration to hit their country…yet that wasn’t good enough to skip the water utilities? Even as I was talking I was thinking what am I doing? I shouldn’t have to explain why this is a great opportunity, people should be jumping for joy. The thing is they were but apparently on the inside.
The two teachers I was speaking with in the office right then and giving my speech to, I quickly realized, they are not the half that said NO. They fully agreed the pupils should go. They think its amazing, they kept saying how this was history making for Metsi and for the children to get to see the President speak in person and be a part of this, for Metsi to be invited…it’s all life changing. So, then my thought was, why are we not going then? I asked them and they didn’t really have answers, more of “excuses” to cover up for others. That’s where the personal childishness with some, not all, but a few come in. However, those teachers agreed that enough is enough and the pupils need to go. They agreed the reasons weren’t good enough and World AIDS Day was too important to pass up. They explained to me they would speak with the other teachers but we should consider it done and going because there just weren’t good enough reasons not too. I was excited. We had a good talk too about how I hope they didn’t feel I was pushing or trying to mess up a trip they worked on they told me about how much change has come to Metsi and how it’s because of me and many other nice things. I felt so much better, yet still a little weird for some reason. I think cause it still wasn’t 100% settled and I was happy they appreciate me but knew at least one other did not and that this would only make that worse. It’s a “weird” feeling. In preparation of hopefully getting fully approved, I know had to try to get our transport back and see if we even could get there in case they all said yes. I started my string of phone calls and got many, I’ll call you later responses making me a little nervous. Several days of myself and the Deputy School head, who was amazing during this time and was on it, trying to get ppl to call us back and make things happen. She was getting nervous and jumpy just like I always am. It was funny to see her all stressed out and panicking that no one else was doing anything… I said, “welcome to my life.” She kinda laughed. I think she got it a little. The teachers all tell me to stop stressing all the time, I feel like in that tiny moment, she got it. I found out later in the day that the two teachers spoke with the others and they all agreed the children should go and we should be part of World AIDS Day…which was great news, but now we had to find a way to get there.
In the mean time I got a call from a friend of mine that works in the District Offices, the ones where I go all the time because they are all the people in charge of everything that has to do with my village to find out that there are rumors about me that I’m using the grant money for my own personal use. She said that one of her co-workers over heard a few people having a conversation about me and how I’m using the grant money to buy things for myself…which couldn’t be farther from the truth of course. I’ve actually lost money on this grant because I use my own PC allowance to sun earns and buy airtime that I use all the time to call people for the grant activities. I was so sad and angry and hesitant and confused and pissed off…basically any emotion you can think of, I hit within the next 5 hours or so. My friend has no idea who was talking about me or where they heard that because her co-worker saw how upset she got when she was breaking the news about me to her that she shut up and left and won’t tell her.
I was so hurt that after everything I’ve done and how unbelievably hard I’ve worked on all of this and out my blood, sweat, tears and all my sanity into this, people were trash talking me and trying to belittle my success. Its so unfair how people can make you feel doubtful about what you’ve accomplished and how much you’ve done…then after a good long rant to a friend on the phone and trying to rationalize life out, I realized…people can’t actually do that! So, then the anger phase kicked in and I found myself saying out loud to myself in my little hut while making dinner, “Screw you people!” A LOT! I also may have used a few other non lady like expletives, but I’ll spare you the details. Its been a few days and I’ve calmed down a bit, I still feel a bit “weird.” A bit annoyed and a bit upset and sad that people can’t just let things go and be happy that a tiny village is succeeding and making a name for itself. It also is just really disappointing and really feels not good that while I can move on and let it go cause I know I’ll never find out who it was or why or how many people it may be, I’m a little guarded now. I’m questioning a little who I can trust, who I should trust, who I should be telling things too…It really sucks to have to feel like I need to have a small guard up, but at least for right now, I do feel like I do. Also, it’s a bit lonely…its lonely at the top…I’m starting to understand that phrase on a personal level. I mean, I still have great people and I’m not really alone but I do feel like I have to be careful of who I share my happiness about this project with or I find myself doubting occasionally if when people tell me I’m doing great ad how impressed they are if really behind my back they are telling everyone I’m buying myself pretty toys with the money I have. I figure with time it will get better and I’ll be better at ignoring it, but since its fresh still, its weird and a little hard on me. Success brings followers I guess and not always ones that you want. I mean, I get it a bit. A tiny village no one in Gabs even knows about is being invited to teach others at an event where the President is and where the children will get to hear the President speak. It’s a big deal. I’m proud of my kids, they have earned this, hell, I have earned this to know that I helped get those kids there. Success is good, but a tough road too! However, trying to look at the glass half full, it is kinda cool that I’m successful enough that people think I’m important enough to trash talk about. So, there is a tiny and petty part of me that just feels like, “Bring it!!!” OR the classic and crass response that I’m pretty sure it was my sister that taught me in Middle School…”Bite me!” haha! Oh Coco, the good old days!
Its all new to me, I say that a lot, I really need to stop saying that cause really everything is brand new territory for me here. I’m actually pretty grateful in a way about that. I have changed so much and grown so much. I can see it the people around me can see it and have told me and I think who I’m changing to be. Not like I felt I needed huge change or anything and not to sound cocky like I knew I didn’t but I’ve changed in stronger ways which I really like. I fight for everything and as intimidating as this new success feeling and aspect of my life is right now, I like the risks I’ve taken to get there and I know its worth it and will be worth it, part of it just are not fun…but I can deal with that. I believe in all of this so I know I have to just keep pushing through it and make it work…don’t know how but I will figure it out.
Peace Corps supervisors came to my village a few days ago to do a Site Visit, which they do once a year to check in, see the volunteers progress, speak with the people they work with and see if the PCV is working and on task…which since we are volunteers, technically that is up to us. They always tell us to “own our service” some do and some don’t. Its just an individual thing. My supervisors spoke with the Deputy Head and Guidance Teacher from my school and they were so sweet. They said very wonderful things about me and how much Life Skills I’m doing and they notice the change that has happened which is great to know that they have noticed it. My Deputy Head said the coolest thing though which I almost cried over. My supervisor asked them many questions but one of the questions they asked was, “since this whole experience is a cross cultural give and take, what has Emily taught you about American culture and what have you learned from her?” My Deputy Head responded, “She has taught me we are just the same! We laugh at the same things and get along so well. Her being American is the same as me being Batwana. She is just a nice girl. Always smiling and listening and always cares about what is important to us…her being American, there is no difference. She smiles a lot! We are exactly the same. She is a sweet girl that treats us all like we are her. We are all exactly the same. Botswana and America are the same in people.” I seriously almost cried and so did one of my supervisors. I love that she thinks we’re just the same and that she says we are just the same. I love that me being white or American which here means rich and perfect…she knows that’s not me. I can’t say how much I love that she thinks we are the same…cause we are! Also, PC told me later that since I’m doing such a good job and have brought Life Skills here they will more than likely replace me…which I’m so glad about. There is so much more that could be done in this village with a bit more help. The teachers asked PC to replace me and PC told me they are seriously considering it and don’t see why it wouldn’t work! Awesome!
Anyways, so enough talking about myself, which though I do it a lot these days I really don’t like doing that much, but back to the drama and a side note: I have to say at this rate I didn’t even want to go to World AIDS Day that much anymore…I just wanted a nap! BUT I continued with the Deputy Head to make this work. It came down to several days and due to protocol, my school head was the only one that could try to communicate with transport and the DAC to get use transport for this event because she was the one that cancelled it. The one that cancelled it and in charge had to the one to take it back…I tried many times, but it was a no go. My school head however was in meetings and busy and kept telling me she’d call later and she was busy. I thought my deputy head and I might have heart attacks…we couldn’t handle that answer. We had 5 days and no transport and no promise that even when my school head does get a hold of anyone that they can even help us. I did hit a point though where I realized that in this fight I felt I did all I could and I felt I tried as hard as I could even when I felt I didn’t care anymore…so I felt that even if it didn’t work, I would be very disappointed but I knew I tried the best I could.
OH, tangent!!! So, I bumped into the Social worker about a week ago (this only adds to my frustration about life and how I will so end up being trash talked about til I leave cause I never let things go) and he informed me unofficially that no one wants to fund the Second Meal. I said, “yeah, what else is new?” We all know this and have known this, but they are now fighting back saying that my village doesn’t fall within a certain settlement policy. I kept saying to him, isn’t my village considered a settlement? He said, yeah! I said, well, they what’s the problem? I got silence. We did that a few more times until I finally asked him if really this is them just trying to find another thing so that I’ll let it go. He agreed that more than anything was the case. He then gave me this sad but content look and told me, “Emily, we need to just let it go, it won’t happen…they don’t want it to…” I gave him my look of “oh please” and said to him, “I’m sorry, have you met me? What do you think?” He laughed and we’re back on it again. I will fight til I get a valid reason that I can agree with that proves this cant happen or that the people we are trying to help are better off without it. I know I must sound a bit selfish and a bit like, “my way or no way…” and well, I am saying that a little (I mean, let be honest here…I have little shame anymore) BUT really, I feel like I’m not asking an unreasonable request or requesting something they cannot do. I’m asking for help for their own people that are currently unable to help themselves with what they have, so they need a hand out for the time being of food to make sure they don’t starve and the children can succeed in school to then better themselves for their future. Sorry, it that seems to annoy some people….I mean, C’mon!
As of today, still no transport yet and its looking like now the school head has randomly decided no...so great! i dont know anymore. I've tried and I'll keep trying, but it's not looking promising...

“Some way somehow, don’t give up now, don’t be afraid to succeed. Hold your dreams, don’t ever let it go, be yourself, and let the world take notice. You’ll find strength when people bring you down, they will see, if you would only believe.”