I Will Try Again Tomorrow

I had a really shocking moment or I guess few hours I should say. It’s really crazy how I get so caught up in living here and preoccupied by the projects I’m working on and things I’m doing that I forget sometimes where I really am. The thing is, when I was in South Africa in Kurland everything hit hard because it was my first real time to see the hardships first hand and I was a visitor…I was only there a few months and knew I was leaving. In Botswana, this time around, it just feels like this is my life…cause I mean, it is. I’m here for two years I live the same as everyone else and I’m totally immersed and grassroots so I get caught up in my routine that sometimes I can’t fully see what’s next door…literally!
I finished at school this afternoon and was hanging out with the teachers when my school head asked me to come with her and the deputy head of my school and guidance counselor/standard 1 teacher and got to one of the school cook’s mother’s house because she is very ill. I agreed because I felt badly and didn’t really know how to say no to that even though I didn’t really know what to do. So, we went over to her house and to greet the family and sit and pray with the woman that was so fragile and sick and lying on a tiny thin pad on the cement floor of their house. She was so nice and very quiet and the teachers all prayed for her in Setswana and I just sat there in silence because I felt to so badly and didn’t really know how to communicate with her. I smiled a lot and she would look back at me and smile a little. Being white here is a “beautiful” thing! I kept saying to my school head that maybe I should go because I don’t this family and she is ill and may not want some random white girl in her house. I kept being told that the women and family would find it an honor if I went there. So I think that’s partly why I went. Feeling weird knowing that I did absolutely nothing yet am seen like a beautiful amazing person for walking into this sick women’s home just to smile at her….but I figured it’s the least I could do.
We left after we prayed for a bit and went back up to the school to find out that one of the children in the school is an orphan, his mother passed away a while ago but he is not registered an orphan because of the stigma that orphans often have which is that they are an orphan due to HIV. The family doesn’t want others to think the mother died of AIDS so they haven’t registered him and therefore haven’t been getting the food baskets from the government that orphans get. Its just so sad. This family is trying so hard to keep their families name clean but in turn are suffering for it.
After we tried to deal with that for a bit and are still in the process my school head, guidance counselor and one of the chiefs of my village went o a girl in my school’s house. I’m still not entirely sure what the primary reason for going was, but we quickly found out that the child has been eating. There is no food in the home and all she ate today was the little lunch that the kids all get at 11am from the school. That’s all she has eaten all day. My school head was hurt by that, I was trying so hard not to cry in front of the family. It was the final blow that just took it out of all of us. Each one of those things individually is hard and painful…it just so horrible for anyone anywhere to have to go through these things…but its just to common here in a way. People are upset by death but it happens a lot. People have learned how to laugh anyway and move on. Which is good, but it just feels quicker than I’ve ever seen before. Children lose their parents, its awful, but there are so many orphans here….so many…too many! AND the kids aren’t eating…certainly not regularly and sometimes not at all. I couldn’t believe it! It was that moment that shoved me back into my “place” in life. Yes, I’m grassroots….but not really. Not to that extent. Living without electricity and running water is hard and a big adjustment for me….but I have never had to go a day without eating if I didn’t want too…that’s a pain that I can see these people and children, but I don’t really know what that feels like.
I just kept looking at the girl as everyone kept talking in front of here about how the family and girl can’t eat and I started realizing that since I have been here, for months now, I have never seen that girl smile. Not once! I started to tear up as I was sitting there, I had to look away from her to keep myself from crying at her house. It makes me feel so selfish and just horrible for them. I went home and I hadn’t eaten that much that day and needed to make dinner but I couldn’t do it. Every time I went to try to make food I started to cry. I couldn’t eat if she wasn’t going to…I couldn’t do it. I felt sick over the idea of any of it. I felt so selfish going back to my real bed that and not a blanket on the cement floor. Its those moments when life slaps you in the face with the realities around you that it’s the worst feeling in the world, but also reminds me why here. I’m going to start that breakfast program if it kills me! I’m going to help this village anyway I can and do everything I can. As much as I want to run like hell, and cry all the way home, I have to make this work. I have to do something!!!
On a little lighter note, cause all of this is just sad! English Club started this week! It’s cool! The schedule is that I do it from 3-4 pm which is study time with the STD 2 and 3’s on Monday, STD 4 and 5’s on Tuesday, STD 6 and 7’s on Thursday, and then from 1-2pm on Friday for the little STD 1’s. Last week with all the classes we played “Simon Says” and then with the older kids we played “Guess the Animal” which all the kids have to act out or describe an animal and the class guesses. All of the classes are still really quiet and shy because they just don’t totally know what to do or think of me and I think I really shy with their English ability which makes sense. It’ll get better. Then with all the classes I had the kids all draw a self portrait and then write 3 things they either like about themselves, or think they are good at, or want to improve on. Obviously the younger kids got less writing and the older ones had to do all of it. It was really cute to see all the little crayon drawings and see the kids write that they like themselves or apples or math, or the shoes, etc… it was really sweet! The drawings are adorable!!!! It’s the first time those crayons have ever been used in the school I’m pretty sure. They all worked so hard on their drawings and tried to make them look so perfect. I told one child that their picture was amazing and he did a good job and after that every one of them lined up to show me their pictures in hopes I would say it to them too…which I did and then they would run off giggling. Praise is not really done here in Botswana…really not at all. The kids fine it so crazy when I give them praise for anything, but they love it.
Also, the kids and some of the villagers started plowing and clearing out garden plots so that we can start 4B soon and start getting the kids excited about it. Those kids worked so hard shoveling and clearing land it was amazing! I’m going to start working harder than ever on the food program now. OH! And also my school head and I made the official invitations for the STD 7’s farewell (graduation) and also guidance and counseling seminar. We’re asking people to come in for a career fair on October 9th. That’s the STD 7’s final examination day. In Jan they will all go off to Junior Secondary School in another village about 80K away. They’ll be at boarding school. We’re asking the police commissioner, District AIDS Coordinator, Guidance Counselor for their new school, social worker, and educational officer to come and talk to the kids and tell them what they know about their jobs and life and whatnot. I think it will be good and then I’m going to make a cake for the kids and also teach my school head how to make a cake. Its too expensive to buy a cake but I want these kids to get some sort of “good job” out of this whole thing. We’ll see how it goes! It’ll be good!

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’” -Mary Anne Radmacher

I saw a shooting star last night

OK, so I started working…like really working this last week and getting things started in my village or at least starting to get things started. Anyways, I went to the Ministry of Agriculture early last week to talk about staring a 4B club in my school and they gave me some pamphlets and basically told me to go to Moleps to talk to the District Coordinator for Crops Production to actually get started and get the information that I need. Helpful and not all at the same time…so that’s where I am now. I just finished my meeting with Mma Moruisi and she was so nice and helpful. She is really interested it getting it all going and is going to come and do a site visit hopefully in October to see the school and talk to everyone about the project. Enrollment for the club happens in January so I’ll enroll then. Now, I have to go and talk to the agricultural demonstrator that is a bit closer to me and the district offices in Letlhakeng to get there help and support. Also, have to find teachers or parents to get them on board so they can help facilitate, find garden space, work on making fertilizer so that the plants will actually grow, fundraise with the school, and I’m thinking of trying some mini plant project with the kids so they can have like little practice runs with it all. Ok, gotta breathe now. haha
Last week I sent in all the forms and papers to get to get 4 of my older students (12-14) into a camp called Camp GLOW (Girls and guys Leading our World). The camp is a weeklong and in gabs. These kids have never done anything like that and a few of them have never even left metsi before…so needless to say this camp I think would be amazing exposure to my kids and help them see the possibilities so much more. I have often asked my students what do they want to do when they get older and most of them don’t tell me anything….they don’t know. They haven’t been exposed to a lot and really don’t know what their options are or what they could be one day. I’m going to try to get people to come to my village and have talks with the kids about their occupations…like show and tell of careers kind of if possible. I want these kids to know they can be anything they want to be and that there are people in Botswana that are a testament to that…these kids need hope and to know anything is possible.
Anyways, total tangent….but Camp GLOW is something that the kids have to qualify for and after writing papers from myself, the school head, the deputy head, and the 4 students pleading to go, I’m hoping that we will be asked to come. The camp seems like it would be so amazing for these kids. Its 7 days in Gabs with kids from all over the Country that go and they spend the week talking about HIV/AIDS, relationships, sex, love, life, family, marriage, etc…but then doing fun kid things like ice cream socials, campfires, scavenger hunts, movies, talents shows, etc… I so hope my kids get to go. Not only would be it exposure and meeting new people and experiencing new thing, but they would get to be kids too…that doesn’t happen a lot here! The parents had to sign consent to let their kids go if we get picked and they seem excited about it…the kids have never done anything like this before. We’ll see what happens…I’ll find out by October 1st if the kids get to go or not! Fingers crossed!
So that was last week! This week I’m going back to my village today to take back the information about 4B and talk to the social worker, school head, and teachers about it to get things going. Also, I’m gonna work on trying to get a breakfast program going as aid from the government for my school because the kids need to eat and from my understanding that’s a bit of an issue and its not happening currently. Also, I’m looking in to getting “Prize Giving Day” going at my school for the end of Term 3 which is ending at the end of November. Prize day is the a day that at the end of each term the teachers give out awards for the best grades for the kids in the school and the parents are suppose to come and see what the kids and have done in school and so on…basically, “open house” but with awards. Well that hasn’t really been happening…but it is now! Haha I’ve been talking to the school head and teachers and were doing it! End of November the kids will get there awards, but I’m trying to make this year a bit different…rather then giving the good grade awards to like the same 5 kids all the time were going to add different awards…like most improved, best smile, mot willing to help…that sort of thing. AND I told my school head that not one child should leave without getting some sort of award or recognition. Everyone leaves with something! Everyone deserves something! So, I think I’m gonna ask the teachers to basically name one special thing about each child and then that will be that’s child’s award! So if someone has really nice hair or pretty shoes….they’re getting an award for it!!!! Everyone leaves knowing that there is something good about them…it needs to happen!

I'm so Macgyver!!!

So seeing as how its becoming 800 degress here with no transition in sight from winter to summer...and I still dont have a refridegerator and my house seems to be its own oven....I made my own fridge! I rigged up fridge and a shower....thats right....I had a semi decent shower in my own house yesterday and then followed it by drinking some "trying to be cold" water....but the water was colder then it would have been without my little fridge. I'm so proud! I'm sickeningly impressed with myself...I am Macgyver!!!!! Heck yes!!!!

However, we'll see if it actually stayss up or still works when it hit 900 degress...but still...I needed to brag a little.
Next project....have to rig up my own cloths line...cause currently I have put up a line that just strecths from one side of my house to the other (if that gives you any idea as to how small my place is...haha BUT I think it would be better outside.

Rome wasn't built in a day...

I’ve spent the last few weeks in Gabs at IST (In-Service Training) which was so great to spend 2 weeks hanging out with all of my friends and having us all back together to talk about our sites and what we’ve been doing. I will say that as much as I love everyone I think possibly my absolute favorite part was showering! Haha I’ve forgotten just how fantastic showering is and having electricity. Not having to worry about where and when I can charge my phone and having to plan out every little detail of where is the electricity and water and when…was such a nice break. It was cool to hear about everyone’s site and how everyone has been doing. We have now lost 5 people from our group. I left because of safety and security issues, 2 left because they decided PC’s just wasn’t right for them and wanted to do other things, and now 2 have been medically separated.
It was really sad and is an adjustment for me cause one of the people that were medically separated lived pretty close to be and has become a really big source of support and laughter…and I found out last week that she was leaving. Its going to be a bit weird and hard to go back to my site…which I’m doing today and not go grocery shopping with her or hang out. It really blows…one more thing to adjust to I guess….or I’m trying to look at it as that she got me through some really tough times and now it’s my turn to do it on my own. I don’t know. I’m determined to stay positive even though I don’t really feel like I want to. Haha Peggy, my Country Director knew that we were close and that my friend kept asking for me so Peggy asked me to pack up my friends house on Monday and then drive with the PC’s driver to Pretoria, South Africa where she is staying with her stuff to see her. I was sad to go because a part of me doesn’t want to say goodbye, but I felt that I should so I did. The driver, Meshack and I drove for 14 hours in one day to and from SA but I didn’t even get to see my friend. The PC’s forgot to inform her that I was coming so she was off exploring Pretoria and no one could get a hold of her….so I went all that way and didn’t even see her. It was really disappointing!!! The drive did however reaffirm my belief that SA is a gorgeous country, absolutely beautiful! Part of the country side in SA actually reminds me of Vermont a bit…its weird, but cool and parts of Pretoria remind me a bit of Vancouver BC…not exactly, but a little…I love South Africa!!!!
Training was good, it was more directed towards our sites and specific jobs then Pre-Service Training was so it was good to learn more about the schools, clubs, laws of corporal punishment, grant writing, volunteerism, Botswana traditions, etc… I defiantly had a few realization moments about my village and being here in the PC’s which were I think good to have but still bit hard to take in. We learned a lot about Grant Writing and how to get funding for projects in our villages in which I really learned that you need an NGO in your village to get the funding…which I don’t have. Its not impossible, but really hard which was discouraging. However, more discouraging for me was the realization after talking to lots of staff members and current volunteers that because my village has never had a volunteer, is remote, has no resources in it and nothing formed or started…my 2 years is seen as just being the stepping stone so that someone later can come and really make things happen. Which I think is true and not all at the same time. I think that clearly my past goal of showing up to Botswana and riding all of Africa of HIV/AIDS and poverty….probably isn’t gonna happen. Hahaha I defiantly need to tone that down a bit...but I do think that some things can happen. My school has no guidance and Counseling program which it is supposed to happen, so I think it will be really hard, but that can be formed. I think that I can work to form clubs that are needed. I have no idea if I will be able to get some sort of livelihood for the village going…but I’m learning through this process that Networking is everything! I’ve been talking to my friend Max from back home and he is an amazing help and helping me figure out “Permaculture” which is a more sustainable way for agriculture to thrive and I’m hoping to start that in my village. Granted I know nothing about that, but that’s where networking and of course my lovely Max comes in. haha
I think that things will happen while I’m there, but I do agree a bit with the idea that I more than likely won’t see the outcomes of those things in my 2 years…which as much as I hate to admit is a bit difficult to really think about. I mean, we all come here and want to help facilitate change for the better to help people and we all give up so much of ourselves and lives to do it and then to feel like we won’t see the products of all our work is hard to think about. However, at the end of the we all came here to help others…not to do whatever we feel like doing…its not about us in a way…its suppose to be about the people that we came here to help. So, in the long run as long as we are helping then if we see the outcomes or not…we did do something. I don’t totally know if that makes sense….I’m tired and rambling. Haha
People keep reminding me that its about the village and the people and what they need…its not about what I would rather be doing or starting in my village. If my village needs food and I don’t know much about agriculture, then I need to figure that out….cause its what they need. Perspectives are so different though. People back home tell me to just stick to helping people and do what right for my village and for the people…but then the people I’m around in Botswana are constantly saying to just do what makes you happy and then everything will work out. Personally, I think that there should be some common ground between the two and I’m gonna try to walk on that for awhile…

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell